Driving toward the airport at 3am, I’m mildly annoyed. Not that I’m driving, but that I spent my birthday alone. Dave was asleep because of this 3am flight. Dan was throwing a fit about some drunk tease I whispered to him the night before. Matt was available but only to have me come to his place – not what I’m into. If anyone wants to get into my birthday suit-pants they have to do the requisite legwork. Consequently, I stumbled home alone at midnight and watched Project Runway quietly while Dave slept in the other room. Born to lose, I’m used to disappointment during supposedly special occasions. I would have had more fun at work.

Now I’m dropping him off a SEA-TAC in a flurry of mixed emotions. I don’t want to see him go on the same level I don’t want my cat to die. Wishing against the inevitable is wasted energy. I’m amused how differently I feel now, compared to last year. Driving south in the rain then, a swell of panic pulsating against my throat. I recall holding back tears unsuccessfully as I tried to say everything my heart was feeling. It felt like a funeral progression. “Please don’t leave me,” might have been uttered but I don’t remember exactly. Seeing him in 2016 helped me deal with one of the biggest spiders I’ve faced in Seattle. Literally and figuratively.

My circumstance at that time is the polar opposite of my life now. Then I’d just lost my job, again. Now, I’m starting a brand new path. I’m maintaining a decent holding pattern on failure and this life feels more right than anything else so far. Novelty means something at this point. Moving through the loneliness, I finally have a life I want to live regardless of the company. Not dejected I planned for a week off Raygun months ago. Taking a week off this new job feels like sacrilege. Fortunately, I folded the vacation in with my hiring, so no one has a real beef.

I got the chance to spend time relaxing and doing whatever I want, mostly. The contingency of Dave’s visit was saving on a hotel by staying in my apartment. Even though he’s someone I generally cohabit well with, a week is a long time for me to be around anyone. Around day three his presence in my life became real instead of novel. Extended lack of employment that week echoed the last few years of our marriage, lending time a surreal aspect. As if the last five years never happened. Afforded a chance to reflect on what I’ve lost and what I’ve gained, I continuously flip-flop on my fate. Living securely in Memphis with my dog has a distinct allure. Instead, I see Elliott Bay every day. Green grass, either way.

The love between us blossomed slightly while we shared space. Tentative kisses and awkward intimacy predicated what could eventually be something on a longer timeline. I’ve learned so many different ways to love since moving west. Finding common ground with Dave is not only possible but likely, given our separate histories. I wonder if I’d kept more of my own schedule, maybe he’d have seen something impressive. Take off a couple days but keep working so he can see it’s possible. When given the chance to do my best, I always try. In Memphis, my efforts were rarely appreciated. Tolerated, managed, redirected. I finally live in a world where I feel valued for hard work, no qualifiers. If my dad knew better, he would be proud.

Perhaps.