One statistic I read said that people who talk about committing suicide are less likely to do it. Successfully, at least. This was after Wade died and I made a vow to not be one of those vapid, narcissistic assholes that brings up suicide every time emotions run high. I did enough of that as an early teenager to last forever. I’d scream at the top of my lungs about unfairness and how much I wanted to kill myself. I probably really felt that way at the time. Back then, I felt everything to such a high degree I can’t remember what’s real sometimes.

After Wade shot himself one Sunday morning was when I felt the other side of that coin. I experienced the devastating tragedy of losing someone I assumed would be there much, much longer. He never talked about death with me except once. He was the first person I knew that admitted to wanting to die sometimes. Then that fucker went and did it. I still don’t totally know why he did it except that I can completely empathize. That day, when an angel rang the doorbell at my parents’ house, I discovered my actions affect other people. That fucker.

I stopped using killing myself as a description for my feelings after that. Despite an inky-dark sense of humor I’m usually careful not to wield suicide as a weapon. It’s pulling a knife at a barroom brawl, if you know what I mean? Ever since the Prozac I haven’t even had to actively control myself. For a short while I entirely forgot the feeling of wanting to die. I had a goal, a dream, a vision. I was shooting for something. I was an employee exactly long enough to enjoy sushi Tuesday. Comfortable and exceedingly happy, I was not prepared for this outcome.

It feels like I’m wasting everyone’s time and resources. I honestly don’t feel like I deserve any of what I have and it could be put to better use. Not having anyone in Seattle that knows who I am is harder at this moment than ever before. Fortunately, there are a couple dudes that got my back. They propped me up with free ciders last night and today is when my faith kicks in. I’m adrift and have to be patient until a wind stirs. Bad shit happens. I’m doing my best here.