Using the bus system to get around Seattle proper is easy. There are apps to tell you how to get places and apps to tell you where buses can be found stopping. The only thing I didn’t account for is my own insecurity on public transit. 

I didn’t realize until now that when I left home in my car I didn’t really feel gone until I arrived at my destination.  An extension of my home (or the ability to turn around) the car is my time slot for final preparations before facing the world.  Sort of like putting on makeup as I commute, I have a last chance to check myself.  I get at least 5 minutes to myself to let thoughts wash over me before faced with social situations.  That small span of meditation is what I miss.

With the bus, I need to have myself prepared for humanity as soon as I leave the apartment.  There might be someone waiting for the same bus.  The drivers are amiable and deserve a polite acknowledgement when I board.  Scanning the bus itself for a seat without connection to a stranger’s line-of-sight is a talent I lack, so at least two people watching me board get the pleasure of direct eye contact. This usually flusters me to the point that I either sit down right away or put my head down and beeline for the back row of bus seats.  And this is all in an ideal scenario.

Despite a nifty app that tells me if the buses are running on time I still manage to stand at a stop waiting for at least 5 minutes every time.  Either I left the apartment too early or the bus suddenly runs late.  What’s odd is how uncomfortable I am standing at a bus stop.  I feel a sense of shame lollygagging by a sign staring hopefully into oncoming traffic.  I’m not sure if it’s an ingrained disdain for bus commuters I absorbed from my upper middle class childhood or if I just feel put on display but I almost want to hold up a sign that reads, “Honk if I look uncomfortable.”

I’ve yet to encounter the inevitable terror of a full bus.  I’m not adverse to sitting beside a stranger but I’m a little worried about having to stand for a full ride.  I have an issue with motion sickness that tends to reveal itself during times of unforeseen stress.  Just the thought of getting sick to my stomach while on a crowded bus nauseates me.  On the plus side, I witness some beautiful moments from a bus seat.  Whether it’s the traffic I’m not in or interesting people coming and going at each stop, I’m always entertained.  I haven’t figured out what’s different about the faces I keep seeing in Seattle but there’s some common thread I can’t quite pinpoint.