I found this little nugget of self awareness from 2007.  Originally I had written a note to a friend that I believed would think less of me for having an abortion.  She and her husband tried to conceive for over a decade before finally carrying a baby to term.  My self-hatred was at dangerous levels from being depressed for most of my adult life.  In the end, misguided emotions can still yield positive results.  That “friend” turned out to be a manipulative egomaniac, so I deleted the part about asking her forgiveness.

Mostly, I want to share the part where I am just beginning to realize what kind of energy I have around me.  I’m not blaming other people for my problems and I’m trying to find an outlet for my grief.  The self I am now is just starting to stir in the darkness.  I was still 2 years away from finding yoga and about 6 years shy of seeking therapy but at least I know I needed help.  My depression was an insurmountable burden and here I’m still concerned with the comfort of others.  I had so much to learn.  

* * * * *

Okay, I’ve just got to lay it out straight, with all of my neurosis attached. I am feeling like a bad person a lot of the time these days because I am constantly barraging people with my negative energy and personal problems. I’m just trying to limit myself to those people who can take it. I went to Channa originally because she is the logical choice for what I needed to do. I set myself up for this particular trap in a big big way. Of course, it also seemed to work out in a good way because I was made aware of so many new things. And we all know personal tragedy is the only way to learn anything useful

I had an abortion about two months ago. I have my own reasons for not liking to admit that. But especially to you, who knows that I totally put myself in that position through conscious bad decisions. I really believed that I would never be willing to do that. But fortunately I have some very strong women in my life who are candid. The last thing on I need right now is a human life inside of me. I do enough damage to myself, no need to involve children.  I’m scared even now that this is one of those situations where I am making a fool of myself. If I don’t start getting some of these thoughts and fears out of me then I will probably be upgraded to certifiable. I want to make it through this and hopefully I will able to talk about my emotions without crying at some point in the journey.