Trying to build a new life while memorializing my old existence is stressful. My cat is the perfect example of the struggle. She’s loving and happy and brings joy to my life. She purrs, cuddles and plays, unconditionally loving everyone in her presence. She’s also in renal failure and requires a special food to keep her healthy. To keep this perfect slice of my life I need to budget roughly $130/month for cat food. That’s exceedingly impractical at this point. 

So what do I do? Put her to sleep because I’m unemployed? Let her live an unhealthy existence until physical pain overwhelms her good nature? Either way my cat dies. How she continues to live is in my hands for now and I don’t want that kind of power. I don’t want to utilize my practical side and face the reality of death. I also don’t want to spend a large fraction of my meager savings on delaying the inevitable.

I feel heartless no matter which path I choose. The amount of change I’ve conjured recently doesn’t affect many but my cats still believe in me. I don’t want to let them down.  I’m considering prostitution as a moral alternative to disrespecting my cat’s right to a happy life.  I’m more comfortable selling my body than letting go of Bryn Kitty before her time is up.  I’d claim it’s a maternal instinct but I might also attribute it to selfishness.  In my experience, those two things kind of overlap.