The most painful thing I’ve ever heard is a stranger’s casual observation. After pouring out my feelings of worthlessness and despair in group therapy a 22-year old states, “It sounds like you’re just playing the victim.”

I didn’t stop crying for 3 hours. He’d seen straight to my problem, in a way. I am a victim. Attempting to play as NOT a victim has colored most of my social behavior. I want to be perceived as strong and in my world that means not complaining.

A lifetime of trying to please other people conditioned me well. I can take a lot of abuse. Fighting every instinct to do things my way, I based my decisions on someone else’s moral compass. Selfish people are not good role models.

That is, the conservation of my self is my only defense. Just get through it.  I found a number of allies along the way and my undying loyalty to friends preserved the most important people.  I had to let myself go a little crazy just to break the carbonite encasing my inner artist.  Now I’m leaking personality all over the place and have faith in the universe and everything.  Go with the flow.

I’ll miss some things.  Nothing that obvious.  The truth is, I’m pretty spectacular.  No one can make me feel otherwise unless I let them.  Thanks Eleanor.  Is rejecting an abusive matriarchy part of becoming a feminist?  Maybe I’m just multitasking my recovery.