Sitting behind a group of friends playing games together. I’m at work and playing a video game. The game is a grind because nothing in my life is easy right now and my mind wandered. Only voices to me, I developed caricatures of the group at my back. The main voice, describing the game seems tall and thin. The others are a various smattering of the Rat Pack mixed with the Lil’ Rascals. I can’t say there’s a huge span of demographic in my images. Most of my visual thoughts occur in grayscale. There’s a smattering of sepia when I’m feeling nostalgic. I’m just not that great of an artist.

Facing the door to the lounge, I witness a new character approach and ultimately enter the scene. Immediately cartoonizing his literal appearance, I surprise myself with a preconceived notion of what his voice should sound like. My notion is so far off base it startled me. The stereotype I fell for is Asian in nature and I saw the sexy, cut physique of some boy I want to push myself up against. A confidence on his face as tight as the polo shirt across his muscles, I got a slight chubby. He joins the table behind me. He speaks and I’m flaccid again. The best way to describe his voice is to say his tongue is too big. I think it sounds more like a frontal skull with too much meat in it.

He converses with his friends in a deep, hollow tone that seems to slightly resonate as if from a vast cavernous space. Must have big sinuses. The game is one of those with rules that take a minute to learn but then yields good 30-45 minute games. Listening to the new voice ask questions about the rules I realized this is exactly what stupid sounds like. Immediately chagrined, I let out a giggle at the same time. This boy I was at one moment attracted to entered my little voice-world and any inkling of interest is dissolved. I don’t usually get such stark surprises in my life.

I feet a little bad about my train of thought until I overhear meat-voice asking, “If I roll two one’s, is it two one’s or two?”

Couldn’t help myself, I laughed out loud.

I’m not a mean person. I know my brain is wired differently. I don’t know how to talk to some people. Whatever I say is construed as snobbish or offensive. It’s the biggest hindrance in my relationships thus far. That and inherent trust issues. I can only trust people that don’t want anything from me. That’s rare since I offer myself up like a sacrifice to almost anyone showing a hint of interest. Gotta give the people what they want. Best way to avoid abuse, right?