I’m ready for work on Monday. A shock to my system akin to cold water, sometimes chilly water is the only way to do it. There’s a river in middle Tennessee that fills an old cast iron tub with ice cold water. To the brim. Nearby there’s a small sauna, big enough for maybe a dozen people if everyone gets friendly. If you’re lucky there’s a eucalyptus brew in the air. Great for curing that sniffle.

In order to fully enter the wilderness and become one with nature you are required to dunk 3 times in the tub. Sauna to tub, a pan for pouring water if you can’t submerge, and then back to sauna again. Three times. I did this. Full submerge first and two baptisms later I have become one with my skin. Nature still feels the same. An unyielding pressure. Constant reminder of how simple life really is.

Go to work, eat something, get some rest. Clean myself and repeat. One asset of a recent depression is the shallow calloused spot where I tore myself apart. Makes a great cushion against the mind-numbing mundanity of life. Like breaking in good boots. Finding the spots that I can’t stand and easing that pain when I can. A mixture of good with bad, vices with therapy. The equalizer of my needs and wants. I can’t always tells the difference because it all feels necessary sometimes.

I can’t remember the last time I ate. I know I did. I snack constantly at home. I often spend time outside of home just so I will stop consuming food. It doesn’t always work. I’m not gaining weight and I poop regularly. That’s the only verification I need for a balanced diet. I added some Vitamin D to my B Complex and now I can’t remember what regular color urine is. Neon green feels healthy now. Green like the tea that replaces my coffee when I feel like having caffeine. I could drink coffee but I’d rather have a Mountain Dew.

The number of things I’ve done since getting here. No one really knows except me. I’ve loved and lost. I’ve come close to death and experienced flight. I have lost my baby fat and am starting to show my age. Abandoning some qualities, I discovered more about myself than I wanted to know. I’m stronger for where I’ve been and I understand more of the people I know. My relationship with death is like a college roommate at this point. We still know each other but only keep in touch a few times a year.

I still have faith in my love. I hope I get to die proving it. That seems like a worthwhile way to go.