Visiting the CSPC yesterday, I felt introspective. The exhilaration of last week comes with inevitable wear and tear. Fortunately, this isn’t my first rodeo and I listen to the warnings my body gives me. Skipping the party Saturday and giving an erotic massage Sunday helped me recharge slightly. The satisfaction of making someone feel pleasure, especially when they are new to the sensation, is something I enjoy when feeling drained. Not all gratification is related to orgasms. 

I almost thought to skip Monday night too.  Still weary, I didn’t bother to make plans with anyone.  Usually flexible with my time, I recognize when my defenses are weak.  Sometimes the only shores directing my energy flow should be my own.  This is when I miss cuddling the most.  Someone that has my back just to keep it warm.  A partner that doesn’t want anything from me and that I don’t need anything from.  Sharing space without the need to fill a role.

These days, my identity is in flux at all times.  At some point, everything I know has been untrue.  Not because of wrongness.  Everything is different when the perspective changes.  I can barely bring myself to kill a fly today.  15 years ago I regularly whacked white mice inside a sock against the door frame to provide my pet snake with “fresh” food.  In one perspective I practice ahimsa and in the other I’m honoring the circle of life.  Neither are fundamentally wrong.

Due to recent events, I’m perpetually full of thoughts and observations.  The little bit I get out is only steam escaping a rumbling volcano.  I have strong opinions about some of the things I’ve witnessed so far – positive and negative.  It hasn’t even been a week, st’s important I stay attuned to what I’m genuinely feeling.  The honesty of my fresh-faced enthusiasm is unmistakable and I’m not just open-minded, I’m informed. I know better, but for some people I’m the perfect woman.  It’s an intoxicating wealth of opportunity.  Good thing I’m patient.