How do you handle sitting at the bar watching people leave one dollar on a 2-drink order? I feel like there should be an underground signal we use to identify these patrons. Non-tippers are the worst but under-tippers are their own kind of bad. If you don’t know why the convention is a dollar per drink then I’ll tell you this – it’s not generosity. It’s because that person just handed you a drink. Period. It’s the unspoken convenience charge for you getting to drink in public. Because here’s the truth – bars have a right not to serve you. And if it were my bar, I’d tell people who don’t tip my staff not to bother coming in again. I think denying service to bad customers would result in a better class of patronage. If you don’t have the money to tip, don’t go out. It’s that simple.

But this could all be fixed if we utilize my primary plan. Force all American children to work at least 3 months in the service industry at the age of 18. Not only would it create a more polite society but people would start to understand the value of getting food and drinks in a public place where they don’t have to lift a finger to make anything or clean up after anyone. An added benefit is that career servers and bartenders would have an endless source of intern-style proteges to do the things no one likes doing. Clean the bathrooms, take out the trash, do the dishes. You know, all the things your parents do for you as children. Who knows, this could spurn a whole new trend of respecting our elders too. It would certainly prepare more people for adulthood.

Can I run for office on a platform of a mandatory service draft?