“What do you want for your birthday?”

An odd phrase to hear at my age. I don’t observe my birthday most years and the only person that still remembers is my mother. Usually I can come up with something that I sorta need and/or want but this year I’m silent. Either I don’t know what I want or, just maybe, I’m content. I’ve simplified down to my job, my home and my dog – keeping that balance takes up most of my time. I sleep as much as possible, sometimes to a fault. The only thing I need in my life is more yoga and only I can deliver that gift to myself. Even now, I’m sitting in a bar typing on this sad little laptop instead of staying sober long enough to make a 7pm yoga class. My decision making needs work.

I opted out of the company picnic today. Apparently I was excited for the idea because I bought a dress in one of my exhausted, drunken stupors last week. Wearing this gaudy beach dress in midtown Fremont is kind of silly but, I mean, it’s got pockets. Just watch, beachwear in the city is going to be the next big fashion infusion. Not weird, I’m just ahead of my time. Ideally, my spirit wants to be at Golden Gardens with the rest of the staff. I wish I could use my day off to get drunk at the beach with my coworkers. I actually like most of them for once.

I’m not excited to turn 40. It feels like every day is a struggle to stay active. Finding meaning in my actions has ceased almost entirely. I work because I need money. I’m sleep because I’m tired. I take medicine because I’m depressed. Tomorrow I’m talking to my doctor about changing that last one. I wonder how much the meds contribute to my exhaustion. I also feel like it’s about as good as it’s gonna get in my case so maybe see if I can sail this sea without multiple prescriptions? Or at least revisit the dosages.

I’m not ashamed of my depression, it’s not something I am trying to fix. I’m about as likely  to “get over it” as a diabetic is to spontaneously start producing insulin. The drugs were a patch when I lost stability and now I need to do work on the actual problem. I know what will make me feel better and every day I choose what to put energy into. It feels like I’m exercising my soul. Every positive thing I do feeds my happiness and when I choose something not positive, at least it feeds my soul. Progress, not perfection. Currently I am learning Spanish and flossing nearly every day. I’m proud of my progress, regardless of your opinion.