Category Archives: mur

Flames

Art, Daily Life, mur, Random, Rants, Reasons for Things, Stories

Watching someone engulfed in flames and the consequent screams is painfully surreal. The monks in Tienanmen Square are much less egotistical about it. Knowing that kid actually existed leaves a taste of reality in my mouth I can’t quite wash away. Probably need some hard liquor. I didn’t start my day thinking about Memphis but it’s hard not to at this point. My walk home last night was littered with mantras about my worthlessness and the desire to stop taking up space. Yet, I’m not dedicated enough to die for it. I view my suicide as that eventual thing I’ll do if I’m desperate enough. Like agreeing to marry someone if you’re both single at forty. Continue reading Flames →

86’d

Daily Life, First Impressions, Games, mur, Rants, Reasons for Things, Stories

I’ve learned something about the service industry this year. Nothing we can steal makes up for what we give them in service. Modern feudalism. Necessary for the operation but expendable as individuals. A difference in perception separates the owner from the worker. Knowing the difference doesn’t equal liberation. Someone must possess a great sense of direction in order to escape the current ruler. A moral compass helps but money is faster.

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The Vibe

Art, Daily Life, mur, Random, Rants, Stories

Finally, I manage to meet someone who wants to have sex with me. After wading around in months of sludgy self-loathing, I should be excited about this. Showing patience and maturity this guy, let’s call him Jeff, managed hang out with me a few times in public without being pushy. Drinks, dinner and an Uber home after last call – he’s done all the traditional legwork. His behavior indicates a desire to continue seeing me and I appreciate the effort. The attention brightens my outlook and boosts my tenuous self esteem. Yet, we’re drunk and stoned in my apartment after half a dozen dates and I still can’t find my groove. Continue reading The Vibe →

White Guilt

mur, Quick Thoughts, Rants

I don’t have white guilt anymore. My old mantle of shame was lush enough for the Queen of England. Seeing injustice live and in person as a young voiceless witness convinced me of my utter worthlessness early on. I wonder if it’s because I was silent or just my environment. I can’t honestly believe my protests would have produced great change. Aside from stronger self esteem, perhaps. Fortunately, I manage to maintain a high opinion of myself despite years of targeted mental abuse against myself. Shedding undeserved guilt I gleaned growing up was a strong step in the right direction. At the very least it lends contrast to my actual dark elements. Beautiful shadows. Continue reading White Guilt →

Losing My Religion

Art, Book, Daily Life, mur, Rants, Reasons for Things, Stories, Yoga

Slightly better than a functional alcoholic, I’m a stoner yogi. Turns out old hippies are thin because eating isn’t as important once you’re enlightened. Or at least lightened. There’s an IPA on tap here called Bodhizafa. Some guy told me that’s a word for monks who achieve enlightenment but then choose to come back and share their wisdom with the rest of us. My immediate response, “Lazy bastards.” Moderately surprised, the guy asks for an explanation. And I tell him the secret, “Achieving enlightenment isn’t the hard part. Staying there is the trick. I’ve experienced zen at least half a dozen times in my short life. Keeping your mind there is the hard part. Those guys are full of shit – they who cannot do, teach.” Continue reading Losing My Religion →

9th Grade

Art, mur, Random, Rants

Midtown seemed so far away then. I was only 13. The University area 10 miles away only felt close because my school was near there. Did they send me across town so I wouldn’t embarrass my sister at her school? Now that I think about it, that makes more sense. I wasn’t trustworthy enough for public school so they sent me to a different version of the same all-girls prep school. I don’t think they considered the Midtown element until it was a little too late. I always tended blue, that part of town sealed the deal. Often, I think they’d be happier if I was a lesbian but stayed Republican. Continue reading 9th Grade →

Why Are You Crying?

Art, Book, Large Events, mur, Stories, Yoga

Oh look, a butterfly. Continue reading Why Are You Crying? →

I’m Glad Hillary Didn’t Win

Book, Large Events, mur, Quick Thoughts, Rants, Reasons for Things

Contrarian by nature, this sentiment probably doesn’t surprise my friends. Just keep in mind, I was against Hillary running back in 2008. I wasn’t swayed by Bernie fever or decide to rally against Trump. I don’t think Hillary Clinton is a good choice for president of the United States. Just as much a criminal as our current president when it comes to shady financial dealings, she got a chance to meddle on the national level back in the 90s and has been stalking the presidency like a ticking crocodile ever since. That’s just the first reason I’m glad she didn’t win, chronologically speaking.
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