Category Archives: mur

Slammin’ the D

Daily Life, Games, mur, Quick Thoughts, Random, Reasons for Things, Yoga

I’m a naturally nocturnal creature. In the South, avoiding the sun is an understandable trait. In Seattle, it’s not even a challenge. I can go weeks without seeing direct sunlight if I want. Naturally, this led to a clinical deficiency of Vitamin D after my first winter. Every day felt like running through water and I lost the ability to do more than sleep during my time off. Fighting depression is hard enough without the added struggle to sit upright. In my defense, I took supplements for months to no effect. January, I gained a key piece to the puzzle. Vitamin D is only absorbed when taken with a meal. The opposite of what I do when taking pills in the morning. Oops. Continue reading Slammin’ the D →

Memphis Magic

Art, Daily Life, First Impressions, mur, Quick Thoughts, Rants, Stories

It found me again. That undeniable energy drawing purpose out of thin air. Continue reading Memphis Magic →

High School Drama

Art, Daily Life, mur, Quick Thoughts, Reasons for Things, Stories

This doesn’t feel done but I’m tired of looking at it…  Continue reading High School Drama →

Dry Spell

Art, Daily Life, mur, Quick Thoughts, Rants, Stories

During a particularly grueling comedic open mic night last week I heard a fresh-faced 20-something start a set with, “Don’t you hate it when you run out of weed?”

The subsequent joke isn’t important because this alone made me and the person on my left simultaneously chuckle. Unprompted, my anonymous drinking buddy leans over and whispers, “How does someone manage to run out in this day and age?”

I let out another guffaw and nod emphatically. I don’t know his particular story but I can guarantee the comedian on stage has never experienced a true dry spell. Witnessing the war on drugs in my early teens, I’ve maintained a holistic approach to drug use since the 90s. Disinterested in needles or cocaine, I focus on botanical methods of relaxation. The benefit to this approach is the network stays mostly clean and, it seems, partially legal. The down side is managing to make the right connections. Fairly low on the totem pole back then, I still managed to score pot regularly. Just enough busting of mid-level dealers sometimes affected the supply chain but the only people that went completely dry were the endest of end users – mid-country suburbanites.

In Seattle in 2017, the premise of not having pot when you need it sounds completely canned. Delivered by a long-haired nouveau hipster in drop-crotch pants only makes it more overwhelmingly silly. On the bright side, this idiosyncrasy led to a bonding moment. With an actual human! Maybe I’m not as alone in this world as it feels. After all, we all mellow with age. For some, this means descending into a gelatinous mass of lipids and Netflix. Others embrace the new tempo as a more complex challenge. How to enjoy life in the face of entropy? Abandoned by the vigor of youth, I’m almost certain the answer lies in collaboration. Until then, at least we have plenty of weed.

Lone Wolfe

Art, Daily Life, mur, Reasons for Things

I’m pure grit in a world that worships cleanliness. An artist raised by pragmatists, I’ve felt out of place since puberty. My mind is logical the same way a fractal pattern is beautiful, there’s an organic root that starts the whole thing. I do very few things without a good reason. The longer I’ve lived, the better I am it. Aging like wine, hopefully I’m complex enough to stand the test of time. That doesn’t make the solitude easy. Those poor bottles of wine, alone in the chilly dark, waiting for an inconceivably grand event that might call for opening them. Valued for just sitting there, they never get a chance to fulfill potential glory. If lucky, good bottles are eventually consumed just so they won’t go to waste. Continue reading Lone Wolfe →

I Wander

Art, Daily Life, mur, Quick Thoughts, Rants

Does it help anyone, knowing how I feel? It doesn’t help to talk about it. If anything this echo chamber makes me feel worse. A reminder that no matter how loudly I scream, no one can hear me. I’m alone in this pain and destined to wander looking for reprieve. Convinced I’m defective, I’ve stopped talking to people in the real world about my feelings. Any inkling of my suicidal tendencies is greeted with talk of triggers and platitudes. As if I’m sharing these feelings for their benefit. All I want is someone that doesn’t find me abhorrent. Continue reading I Wander →

Few Tile

Art, Daily Life, Future Plans, mur, Rants

I don’t like myself. I love who I am and believe I have an important role to play in this world. I just can’t stand to be alone anymore. The nagging desire to stop breathing coupled with guilt for feeling this way consumes most of my conscious hours. I compose chants about my worthlessness and mantras focused on getting by, one step at a time. Spurts of bravery and recklessness cause me to reach out either to existing acquaintances or new people. Success rates are low in both categories. Some individuals seem promising from time to time but most of them are lonely halves of a monogamous couple. Chatting with me must remind them what it’s like to be interesting. Continue reading Few Tile →

Art, mur, Quick Thoughts

As soon as I met him I knew it would be terrible. A person so determinedly self-involved can’t help but hurt the people around him. I even set myself up by caring about his feelings and investing in his well-being. I spent energy trying to understand and empathize with his troubles, no matter how ridiculous. He fabricates stress from situations that he’s not involved in. Classic drama seeker, I thought I could stay separate from that aspect and still be his friend. It was working until I needed someone to lean on. The opportunity to dramatize presented itself and he ran with it. Standing firm in the assertion I’m better off alone, I am so goddamn alone. Continue reading →

Quarters

Art, Daily Life, mur, Quick Thoughts, Reasons for Things, Stories

Currently, my greatest luxury is knowing I have enough quarters to do laundry without counting. This budget isn’t as hairline thin, compared last year, and things are finally flowing in a positive direction after over a year living in downtown Seattle. I might even luck into another year in my awesome shitty apartment. I tentatively inquired about a rent increase with a reminder of various plumbing/flooding issues from the past year. I adamantly believe I’m the best person to rent that space and am gonna try like hell to stay there. Living alone in LQA might be the only thing keeping me safe in a variety of ways. I won’t stay forever but I’d like another few years. Continue reading Quarters →