Category Archives: mur

Along Came Polly

Daily Life, mur, Quick Thoughts, Random, Reasons for Things

A Jennifer Aniston gem I never knew about. Star-packed supporting cast and snappy directing.  Ah!  Written/directed by the same guy that did I Love You Man.  It feels way too dated to be from 2004 though.  There’s a plot point based on *69.   Reminds me of the 90s.

I did some serious cleaning and straightening.  Made appointments with all the pertinent people.  The final clean out is yet to be scheduled.  Despite my desire to just throw everything away and start driving, there are people who want some of this shit.  If I was an asshole I could just tell them to go fuck themselves.  Problem is, I’m a nice person.

It’s not a choice, I just am.  Even when I’m in a tight skirt.  Even when I’m turning a guy down.  Even when I’m desperately in love.  I’m nice.  It’s a personality flaw I developed while playing opossum in high school.  I figured if I’m going to be miserable all the time anyway, might as well smile.  That’s probably the same reason that guy at Juice smiled at me.  Funny.

 

Grave

Art, Daily Life, Future Plans, mur

I’m done digging now.

I know from all the stories that I’m the villainess in this equation. I’m white, moneyed and getting what I want.

I have abandoned the only humans to show me any love. The other animals have the good sense to die.

The farther gone I am, the less I will feel this particular pain. The loneliness remains constant.

There aren’t enough pills in the world to fix what’s wrong with me. With luck, there are just enough in this bottle to finish me off.

98% chance I’m going to be just fine. Without Facebook, I’d say 100%, except no one could ever know.

Like I was never here.

Spilled

Amurica, Art, Games, mur, Quick Thoughts, Reasons for Things

Last night I put a dream to rest.  Continue reading Spilled →

Stuck

Daily Life, mur, Quick Thoughts

Stuck in a halfway point. Not here, definitely not there. No traction for my activities or interactions. No reason to even leave home. Better to save my money. Reserve my energy.

If it weren’t for my job, I’d start driving today.

Irresponsible

Daily Life, mur, Quick Thoughts

I was late to work today. I stayed out drinking all night before. That’s how the story goes at least. I definitely didn’t go home early and spend half the night in shock, staring at the ceiling. There was no tossing, turning, or vomiting of any kind. My capricious joy about moving to a new city is certainly not a front for the scalding ulcer of self-doubt and insecurity festering underneath my heart. Sad truth is, it doesn’t matter. I was late, that’s not good.

I have to get my shit together. For some reason, I have to make it look easy or everyone loses faith and the whole thing shatters.  Even though it’s not easy.  Not even the fun parts. In my defense, I work well under pressure and two weeks is a long fucking time. I don’t know what the future holds and I’m not straining my neck to see. I’m right here, one day at a time. A Course in Miracles starts with just being.

Tomorrow, I book flights, make vet appointments and cancel my internet service. That sets the timeline. By this time next month, I should be in Seattle with two pissed-off cats.

Actually

Art, Large Events, mur, Places

I’m actually leaving home.  The idea of How To Leave Home started as a simple thought while I was in Seattle for a pizza party.  Circa May 2014.  I wondered to myself, what exactly is the process of changing everything?  With all the joy and optimism I could muster, I threw myself into a project I did not fully understand.  My gut knows.  When I follow my gut, the story progresses.  Gut-wrenching though it may be.  Speaking of that, here’s the actual map of my road trip across the United States.

Screenshot (13)

I’m doing some research on stopping points and days on the road but I’m going with an optimistic 3-4.  44/8 = 5 8-hour shifts plus 1 4-hour shift.  Stop off in Santa Fe.  Watch the sun rise over the Grand Canyon.  Sleep near Sacramento.  I doubt I’ll stop in Portland but you never know.

How much does FedEx charge to overnight cats?

Porgasm

Art, Book, Future Plans, mur, Reasons for Things

I pop zits.  I know I’m not supposed to but I do anyway.  Nothing makes me crazy like a bump.  I’m not particularly vain, It’s a textural thing.  Same compulsion that makes me pick at scabs.  Unlike scab-picking (which hurts) zit-popping has a visceral element of relief.  A gooey white glob of gunk erupting from the peak of a tiny, engorged pore.  An effect I can only call gratifying.  I’m not too concerned admitting this since I suspect facials are a Brazilian way of doing the same thing.  Continue reading Porgasm →

Lila

Book, mur, Quick Thoughts, Reasons for Things, Yoga

In yoga class my teacher brought up lila, a sanskrit word that expresses the inherent joy and playfulness necessary for creation. Something about the way she phrased it struck a chord in me.  Willingness to play around with something leads to new creation.  There’s a joy that comes with the act of creation. That’s why we do it.  Most brilliance is perceived as as odd at first.  Artists embrace the odd, seeking the joy of creation that only appears when you’re on the right track.

I’m essentially creating a new life across the country this month.  Only taking what I can fit into my subcompact, I’m trying something completely different from what I was taught to do.  It’s a massively serious undertaking that I’m approaching with capricious enthusiasm.  I choose to believe that things will work out based on the fact that my true needs are simple.  I don’t have a map but I know where I’m going – serenity from minimalism.  Lila explains how I find the energy to do it.  I don’t mind messing up.  Even making mistakes is fulfilling when you’re on the right path.

Questions dealing with the soul are onerous but what would you do otherwise?  The light of meaning calls to us. Even if you can’t see, it you know it’s there.

Art, mur, Quick Thoughts, Random

Sauntering by, so sure
The gang of boys
Good boys, old boys.
If you only knew

I see you.
The weak you.
The wanting you.
I see you in a dark room before you fall asleep.
Cuddling. Comfort. Care. Caress.
I can provide these things.
But first you have to do me a service.
Touch me where they said don’t touch.
Wiggle my squiggle with soft attention.
Let me know
That you know
I’m different.
Not you.
Just into you.
Hoping I’m the one.
The prize mare
You choose to breed
And feed
Unbridled affection
For your hopes dreams and desires.

The desire unfulfilled
Yields more empathy
And the story not told
Suspends empty disbelief