It all hit me at once last night. The stark reality of what I’m doing. Picking up and leaving a perfectly good situation. Traveling toward the unknown with no way to know if I can make anything of myself.  I just started figuring out how to be me and now I’m turning the world upside down. It grips my heart with cold icy fingers. This might be the high point in my life.  I could be hurtling along the downward slope to my demise on the West Coast.  I don’t understand why I do this to myself.

Fortunately, I have a xanex script.  I slept off the worst of the panic attack and spent the rest of today dealing with this knot of nauseating stress in my stomach.  Moving things helped.  Not having furniture makes all of the boxes look much smaller.  Thanks to early training at Tetris I can visualize most of the car packing experience.  I have the speakers, head unit, and record player in one corner.  The records make a good line.  Three rectangle suitcases.  CPU, 2 monitors and accessories.  The rest is just towels and boxes in alternating stacks.  Like cement between bricks.
Then, the drive.  I’m stuck on this Grand Canyon idea based on the idea of scenic.  I’d rather drive for 45 hours than try to make it in 34 and get stuck at the pass.  Stopping could be irreversible.  And I have a flight out of Seattle scheduled for January 30th.  I haven’t planned any going away party yet.  I don’t want to make it that real.  But I know I have to go.  If I was gonna quit, it would have been yesterday.