Category Archives: mur

Lay-Z-Girl

Daily Life, First Impressions, Future Plans, mur, Reasons for Things, Stories

I finally have a bona fide home here in Seattle. I have enough pieces of furniture to invite someone to sit down in my apartment without having to show them the bed. I’ve yoga-ed my tiny little apartment into the most comfortable nest possible for me and/or my cat.  I don’t require much personal space if it stays personal.  This staging area is the little extra I need to feel secure in the face of company.  I’m still living out of suitcases in the bedroom but what no one sees I can justifiably ignore for another 6 months.  Continue reading Lay-Z-Girl →

Racial Stereotype

Daily Life, First Impressions, mur, Random, Rants, Reasons for Things, Stories

Someone in Seattle finally explained why every Indian man I’ve tried to go on a date with treats me oddly.  To clarify, I am not discussing skin color – just heritage.  Amazonian imports that hail from actual Asia. My empirical observations reveal a significant pattern.  A certain flavor of sexism I haven’t been exposed to since my youth.  An assumption about my behavior based on how I dress.  Apparently, in Indian culture Americans are seen as promiscuous and slutty.  My body type and personal confidence only accentuate the stereotype.  Continue reading Racial Stereotype →

Please Say It’s Over

Art, Daily Life, mur, Random, Reasons for Things, Stories

I experienced 3 moments of pure pleasure on Tuesday afternoon.  None of them took more than 20 minutes each.  For nearly 2 weeks I’ve been frustrated and sick at my stomach with stress.  Sinking into a morass of depression there are times I literally panicked, taking xanex for the first time in months.  I kept getting one-two punches of disappointment and could feel myself spiraling away from solid ground.  Repeating, “This too shall pass,” I focused on baby steps to keep moving forward.  Tuesday night felt like coming up for air thanks to this particular trine of gratification hitting me like a perfect storm.   In this order – I ate tacos, had sex, and took a crap.  Continue reading Please Say It’s Over →

Overcautious

Daily Life, mur, Quick Thoughts, Random, Rants

There’s a girl on Tinder I like. I want to message her but I don’t. I can already feel her rejection. Of course, it’s not real. She’s probably a nice, open-minded person just like me. Won’t judge on appearances and might even have empathy for me as a human. But then again, maybe she’s an asshole. The fact I find her attractive means I’ll be nervous, greatly increasing the chance that I’ll be the asshole.  Really, it’s just safer to do nothing.  Continue reading Overcautious →

Appearances

Art, Book, Daily Life, Future Plans, mur, Reasons for Things

I don’t know what I look like most of the time.  For the longest time, number charts and simple ratios had me convinced I’m obese.  The fancy word for it is body dysmorphia but I avoid using medical terms whenever I can.  A diagnosis for thought patterns is only necessary if the problem makes you see a doctor about it.  Even though I’ve been depressed my entire life I didn’t call it depression until after treatment.  Sort of like how you’re not an alcoholic until you decide it’s true.  Just like how you can’t help someone until they want help.  Continue reading Appearances →

Diamond Commercial

Art, mur

[Dark stage, single spotlight, that song I like by Vivaldi playing softly]  Continue reading Diamond Commercial →

Parasitic

Book, Daily Life, mur, Random, Stories

When I feel this way I know I’m leaking energy.  Something’s not right in my flow and to “go with it” is rough on me.  Knowing my own body, heart, mind and soul it’s easy to feel foreign things creeping in under the carpet.  Insinuating themselves into my psyche, speaking when not spoken to.  Chips on my shoulder, curving inward, biting my skin.  I was a Carrier.  Now I’m a rock.  No desire to move anymore.  A foundation so solid I’m gathering moss.  I can sense the parasites more easily now.  Continue reading Parasitic →

Romancing A Stoner

Book, Daily Life, mur, Quick Thoughts, Random

I’m dating again. Partially out of boredom but also out of broke-dom. I can’t afford to hang out unless the other person is buying at least one of the rounds. I have attempted to hang out and not buy anything but that doesn’t cure the bore part of my doms. Unless the person I meet is super interesting. That’s not often the case.  Sometime this summer I forgot how to be alone in public.  Starting this project I knew the cost.  Solitude is easier some days than others.  Meeting new companions who show genuine interest only makes the disparity of loneliness even more stark.  Fortunately, the asshat dates make up for that with consistent moments of gratitude for my independent lifestyle.  Continue reading Romancing A Stoner →

Art vs. Performance

Book, Daily Life, First Impressions, mur, Quick Thoughts, Rants, Reasons for Things, Stories

I’ve had to say it a few times so just to clear things up – I am not a performer. I have been seen on stage and occasionally I’ve done well up there. This is all in spite of my debilitating stage fright and complete insecurity. I feel like Marta Kauffman trying to interact with the Friends.  I don’t belong behind the microphone no matter how compelling my raw emotions might be.  I recognize the performance art I create.  I feel like there’s a confusion between what is art and what is performance.  If you don’t know how my mind works it’s easy to mistake me for an actress at times. Continue reading Art vs. Performance →