I’ve posted over 600 times in this blog. I started the project with faith I would find myself in these musings. Part of me thinks I have. And my parents are right. I am pretty much worthless. Tonight I saw my mediocrity contrasted against creative shiny people with so much to offer the world. I held a smile on my face and hope the pain I feel doesn’t radiate outside of my body. I’ve been lonely my entire life. I was a fool to think that would change with my location. If anything, I left behind the few kind souls that have shown me compassion in my short life. My cat is once again the only thing keeping me connected to this world. I hate to think of how much respect she’d lose for me if I killed myself. I don’t want her to see that. I’m less concerned with what the rest of the world thinks. I’m very dislikeable and the older I get the more permanent it feels. I crave the day I’m brave enough to buy a gun. I want to put a bloody exclamation point on the end of this life, the worst mistake my mother ever made.
Category Archives: mur
I’m Garbage
There’s this person in my life. He’s giving me all the attention but none of the connection. I can pinpoint the moments that exemplify my feelings but doing that only sets up bottles for him to knock down. He’s mastered the art of getting his butt hurt when I say something non-complimentary. I just keep saying things with less and less compassion. As a people-pleaser, it’s safe for me to question the energy exchange in relationships. If I get the inkling I’m being used it’s generally egregious. Most of my vampires are obvious to everyone but me. If I’m looking at being alone or being used, I’m choosing alone. Continue reading I’m Garbage
Umbrellas
I’ve never been fond of umbrellas. Navigating rain in Memphis meant getting to and from a car at varying distances from buildings. Almost none of the places I frequent require anything but a hop, skip or jump from my car door. Opening and closing an umbrella was more annoying than useful. Out here in Seattle, I often see value in a miniature shelter. When you’re waiting at the same uncovered bus stop every morning, or walking a mile to reach said bus stop, there’s great reason to having an umbrella on hand. Just like driving your own car is more convenient. However, there’s a point where you need to park the umbrella and commute like the rest of us. Continue reading Umbrellas
Ready for Action
I have a Southern Lady inside of me. She’s a contrarian. That’s like being a white witch of sorts. Not in the Narnia sense so much as as the tribal medicine woman way. Urban white Memphians understand tribal culture more than most. It’s similar to what feeling like a minority is. Looking for a place to belong when we can’t get comfortable. Skin color is the only difference when you grow up in North Memphis. While the rest of the world tells you it isn’t. Continue reading Ready for Action
Street Cred
I work at a place called Raygun Lounge. It’s a long-standing shop on the side of Capitol Hill known for loving games and geek culture. I was essentially hired on a referral and it doesn’t seem I’ll disappoint. The owner wants to incorporate a more “diverse” workforce. Essentially I got the job because my nerd interests are queer and, well, boobs. I hope to see more girls working with me in the future but to be honest, I’m not a typical set of boobs. I also happen to know the finer points of working a small espresso operation and have oodles of things to offer in experience alone. Continue reading Street Cred
My Situation
I moved rashly.
Minimalist planning,
One foot in front of the other
Baby Steps.
Choose a place, get there, survive.
One, two, three.
Every day I’m striving.
Struggling.
Turning to my gut
Finding strength as I make it.
Making ends meet
Meeting new friends
Determined to do it
Or die trying. Continue reading My Situation
Moderation
It seems everyone wants to complain just as loudly when their time comes. Maybe even louder depending on how many of their principles are violated by the affront. I derive most of my optimism from ignorance, figuring the best way to avoid strife is to, well, avoid it. Don’t seek out drama in your free time. Plenty will find you on its own. The standard format of today’s media is to target the populace with whatever fears you’ll most likely react to. Even actively avoiding current events on the world stage only delays the inevitable. Which is better, watching a tragedy approach or getting blind-sided? Continue reading Moderation
Nostalgia
I have it written all over my face. I used to be pretty like a Disney princess. Big brown eyes, ample bosom and porcelain clear skin. I put a lot of stock in my appearance, more from people’s consistent reaction than any personal value. Being traditionally pretty has its advantages no matter what your actual flaws are. Pretty people are allowed more chances, shown more forgiveness and generally treated better by professional society. That’s why I like desperate people. They don’t give a damn what you look like.
Continue reading Nostalgia
LaTanya
During X-ray school I was assigned to The Med for my first clinical rotation. As the closest level one trauma center for most of the mid-South, The Med’s x-ray department is notorious for its fast pace and extensive workload. Techs trained there are among the best in the city. I spent the entire first day practically shaking with anxiety. One of the techs took me under her wing to help assuage the intimidation factor. She introduced herself as Tanya but I soon learned her actual name is LaTanya. Posing the obvious question she replies, “Most people just hear the Tanya so I don’t bother with my whole name anymore.” Continue reading LaTanya