Category Archives: Reasons for Things

Well thought-out posts and in-depth observations. Warning: may contain extensive abstract thought.

Hoo Am Eye

Art, Daily Life, mur, Rants, Reasons for Things

My identity is ironic at this point.  I’ve spent a couple years following my instincts, trying new things and staying positive.  I’ve discovered delightful worlds that are fun to visit.  I’m still looking for a place where I fit in.  Someone told me I fit in at The Magic Hat but I don’t feel it.  I’m only a performer if the world is a stage.   I’m an audience member, at best.  Granted being a good audience member has its own challenges.

I’ve altered my appearance as much as possible to express how I feel about who I am.  A larger percentage of my body would be tattooed if I had the right resources.  Maybe I’d be perceived as less of a white chick that way?  I could try shaving my head completely but in my experience a good haircut has the same effect.  I could try wearing different clothes however my experience suggests worrying about what I’m wearing is a step in the wrong direction.  Otherwise I just keep being me and suffer as silently as possible.  No one likes a complainer.

There’s a fundamental part of me that I still recognize from my youth.  I remember being young and absorbing the things around me.  I did my best to follow rules when they make sense and understood empathy very early.  Questioning authority is the only real credit I have to my name.  I’m not special and yet am treated better than others?  I’m not challenged by anything except unrealistic expectations.  I hate who I am almost as much as the person you think I am.

Getting Laid Off

Daily Life, Future Plans, mur, Quick Thoughts, Reasons for Things

I knew I’d never last – I didn’t gain any weight. The manager told me on the first day of training, “Just so you know, you will gain weight working here.” I have a Mona Lisa smile for statements like that. It’s my only civil response to stupid assumptions. As a walking cliche, you get used to leveraging stereotypes and associated prejudices. I’m a blonde girl with a mohawk in The Seattle Times. I’m that chick with nice tits at the CSPC. I’m the quiet one at the dive bar. I’m a terrible singer at The Mecca. All of these things are me but I am not any of them.  No more than my hair is blue.

I should be more distraught by the loss of a job that came so hard won.  Unfortunately, I didn’t see this coming so soon.  The epic level of silent treatment by my coworkers became almost comfortable.  Every phone call was a refuge.  The strangers wanting to make reservations transported me directly to anywhere but there and I’d have civil interactions for as many as one or two minutes.  Hanging up the phone I’d dive back into whatever book I was reading.  Not hearing things in the interim got easier with practice.

It’s not that I didn’t get along with the people in the office.  The opposite, in some ways.  I can relate all too well to their shallow middle class struggles.  I remember all too well the days spent worrying about how many calories I’m eating.  Oddly, I identify with the gay millennial living in a post-Ru Paul era.  Making sure everyone knows how unique he is without the mess of actual struggle.  At least he has accountability, as opposed to the lazy single mother that complains about everything constantly.

Of course, in that office having a child is more important than work ethic.  I was reminded repeatedly that my lack of children makes me less of a real person.  I guess my mom was right, you aren’t really an adult until you’ve had kids?  I wish that came with some magical discount on my cost of living.  If not having dependents is suppose to make it easier to survive I must be doing it wrong.

Vanilla, 3 Scoops

CSPC, Daily Life, mur, Random, Reasons for Things, Stories

For my birthday this year, I wanted a sexual fantasy.  I wanted to be the submissive center of attention for 15 minutes at a sex club.   My leather daddy is out of town for Burning Man so I’m didn’t get the VIP treatment he spoiled me with in May.  I put too much faith in chance and planned my party poorly.  I ended up with two enthusiastic men but I’m no stranger to the devil’s threesome so it was a lackluster event in my greater scheme.  It’s my fault really.  Shouldn’t have expectations in the first place.  Continue reading Vanilla, 3 Scoops →

Strange Days Indeed

Art, Book, Daily Life, mur, Quick Thoughts, Random, Reasons for Things

I’m not afraid of spiders.  I’ll even say I like zebra tarantulas.  Not so much that I’d keep any as pets but seeing arachnids in general doesn’t give me the heebie-jeebies anymore. I spent a year volunteering at the Memphis Zoo and cleaned the spider tanks once a month.  Experience cured my genetic arachnophobia (on my mother’s side) and gave me valuable perspective.  In most situations I do my best to trap a spider and release it outside as a result.  Unless the little fucker’s got me cornered.  Continue reading Strange Days Indeed →

Bad Date

Art, Book, Daily Life, First Impressions, Games, mur, Rants, Reasons for Things, Stories

I actively Tindered this past week.  The success formula for that app =Boredom + loneliness + No need to lie.  It’s like wandering a giant house party in the metaverse.  Everyone is just an extra on the stage of life but if you’re lucky, sometimes you come across a Featured Extra.  That’s the best way to describe my approach and I’m wildly successful, statistically speaking.

I approach dating like I do chess.  I know how all the pieces move but don’t give much thought to theory.  I used to believe it was about who won the game, seeing as there’s a well-established history of chess competition.  The game itself is so beautiful in its simplicity, making it a great equalizer.  At first, I played to win.  Studying theory and mastering technique, I initially improved my ability at a rapid pace. Learning new things is my sharpest skill.  In dating and chess both, I eventually plateau but never stop loving the game.

Nowadays, I’m a frustrating person to play chess with.  I essentially relearn the game every time I sit down for a match.  I don’t ever expect to win.  I think my record has more stalemates than checkmates in all honesty.  That works really well because it’s not about the score anymore.  If the game is fun, I’m winning.  I go on dates with no expectations.  My parameters for a successful evening adapt to my situation.  Some of my best nights in Seattle were just me and a dead cell phone.  I’m pretty good at making do.

My most recent bad date was a collection of tropes and narcissism.  I took a chance and swiped right on a shirtless guy.  He has nice eyes.  Anyway, he’s cool to meet up right away (red flag) because he’s only in town for the weekend (red flag).  I basically let him know he can come get a drink at my local haunt after I get off work that night.  No pretense, just that’s-where-I’m-gonna-be.  He makes it over there and we sit down for a beer.  He spent the next hour telling me how smart he is and how he can tell I’m very intelligent too.  He mentioned his burden of attractiveness at least twice. (Parade of flags.)

After poking his phone for the better part of the night he mentions he’s supposed to meet another girl in Cap Hill.  Perfect, I’m ready to turn in anyway.  He then goes on to inform me he’d rather keep hanging out with me back at my place.  I tell him I don’t take people home on the first date.  He mutters, “This isn’t a date,” and assures me I’m not his type so he had no intention of making a move for me.  That’s when I laugh.  First, he’d be lucky to get with this.  More importantly, he isn’t listening.  I have no intention of letting him know where I live.  His confusion was complete at this point, “But, why?”  You’re not that impressive, dear.

That wasn’t a bad date for the time spent.  I had a couple drinks and some entertaining conversation.  Ultimately though, he is an egocentric narcissist and way too similar to me.  It’s like looking in a mirror from the past.  Despite his assessment of my physical appearance I’m an attractive, bright person that is used to being the most intelligent person in the room.  Except that I’m not anymore.  I have learned intelligence is a category broader than brain function.  Being smart in all parts of life is my tempered steel.  It’s why the game isn’t about winning anymore, just doing my best.

 

Titanfall 2

Art, Daily Life, First Impressions, Games, mur, Reasons for Things

I read this and thought, “Wow, that’s an approach to gameplay I’d like to try.”  Armed with ignorance, I google Titanfall 2 to find out more.  Specifically, am I too late to enjoy this game?  I’m not a typical FPS player and I don’t often reserve my patience for that particular online environment.  I also enjoy Quake every goddamn time I play it no matter how old I get.  The willpower to play online FPSs slumbers inside of me like a primal beast.  I reserve her energy for the rare games that capture my imagination.  Continue reading Titanfall 2 →

Domination

Book, Daily Life, Future Plans, mur, Reasons for Things

I want to assert myself to an almost abusive degree.  I’m honestly worried I’d hurt someone if I let myself give in to certain urges.  It’s likely there’s a pink slime river of rage running deep inside me and it’s going to explode out of my pores one day.  Until then I keep reserving myself.  Once unleashed, my anger is going to consume me and everything around me like a metaphysical atom bomb.  That sort of thing must be used wisely.  Continue reading Domination →

My Secret

Art, Book, Daily Life, mur, Random, Rants, Reasons for Things

I’m reading the The Help at work and it’s making me homesick.  I’m often surrounded by a group of individuals who believe the attitudes portrayed in that story are from ancient times.  They have never witnessed that type of behavior outside of news stories and performance art.  I still fondly remember my grandmother’s black maid Dorothy and the role she played in my family.  My grandparents were truly from another era and they weren’t bad people.  Their life-long employee got job security and a pretty decent retirement plan.  More than I’m getting out my current employment opportunities.  Continue reading My Secret →

Unsolicited

Daily Life, mur, Quick Thoughts, Reasons for Things

My tone is a bit didactic. It’s why strangers assume I’m in a position of authority. It’s why I make a great tour guide. It also seems to be why people don’t like being around me. I can sound like a lecture when I’m just expressing my thoughts. This is confusing  for me because my worldview is based on the assumption I don’t matter. That’s not a fish hatchery for compliments – I just accept in the greater scheme of things most of us are fairly insignificant. I feel like I’m the person that is mentioned in history books as an early influence of someone that really makes a difference. And that’s good enough for me. I don’t think the world can completely change in my lifetime. I do think my existence proves change is coming. I probably would’ve been a civil rights activist in an earlier life.  Continue reading Unsolicited →