Category Archives: Reasons for Things

Well thought-out posts and in-depth observations. Warning: may contain extensive abstract thought.

Rule #4

Art, Book, Daily Life, Future Plans, Large Events, mur, Reasons for Things, Stories

Rule number one is Never Go Back and usually the easiest to follow. A rift in any relationship puts a wake between two people. Left to our own devices each party floats away in their own direction. Well, that would be the natural course of things if human egos and emotional dysfunction didn’t get in the way.  We desperately paddle against the tides in an effort to control fate. Strong feelings are even harder to ignore when they are irrational. Not pursuing feelings so tangible I can taste them feels too much like doing nothing. In order to follow Rule #1, I have to stay looking forward even when I rather lose myself in someone’s eyes. Continue reading Rule #4 →

Lay-Z-Girl

Daily Life, First Impressions, Future Plans, mur, Reasons for Things, Stories

I finally have a bona fide home here in Seattle. I have enough pieces of furniture to invite someone to sit down in my apartment without having to show them the bed. I’ve yoga-ed my tiny little apartment into the most comfortable nest possible for me and/or my cat.  I don’t require much personal space if it stays personal.  This staging area is the little extra I need to feel secure in the face of company.  I’m still living out of suitcases in the bedroom but what no one sees I can justifiably ignore for another 6 months.  Continue reading Lay-Z-Girl →

Racial Stereotype

Daily Life, First Impressions, mur, Random, Rants, Reasons for Things, Stories

Someone in Seattle finally explained why every Indian man I’ve tried to go on a date with treats me oddly.  To clarify, I am not discussing skin color – just heritage.  Amazonian imports that hail from actual Asia. My empirical observations reveal a significant pattern.  A certain flavor of sexism I haven’t been exposed to since my youth.  An assumption about my behavior based on how I dress.  Apparently, in Indian culture Americans are seen as promiscuous and slutty.  My body type and personal confidence only accentuate the stereotype.  Continue reading Racial Stereotype →

Please Say It’s Over

Art, Daily Life, mur, Random, Reasons for Things, Stories

I experienced 3 moments of pure pleasure on Tuesday afternoon.  None of them took more than 20 minutes each.  For nearly 2 weeks I’ve been frustrated and sick at my stomach with stress.  Sinking into a morass of depression there are times I literally panicked, taking xanex for the first time in months.  I kept getting one-two punches of disappointment and could feel myself spiraling away from solid ground.  Repeating, “This too shall pass,” I focused on baby steps to keep moving forward.  Tuesday night felt like coming up for air thanks to this particular trine of gratification hitting me like a perfect storm.   In this order – I ate tacos, had sex, and took a crap.  Continue reading Please Say It’s Over →

Appearances

Art, Book, Daily Life, Future Plans, mur, Reasons for Things

I don’t know what I look like most of the time.  For the longest time, number charts and simple ratios had me convinced I’m obese.  The fancy word for it is body dysmorphia but I avoid using medical terms whenever I can.  A diagnosis for thought patterns is only necessary if the problem makes you see a doctor about it.  Even though I’ve been depressed my entire life I didn’t call it depression until after treatment.  Sort of like how you’re not an alcoholic until you decide it’s true.  Just like how you can’t help someone until they want help.  Continue reading Appearances →

Art vs. Performance

Book, Daily Life, First Impressions, mur, Quick Thoughts, Rants, Reasons for Things, Stories

I’ve had to say it a few times so just to clear things up – I am not a performer. I have been seen on stage and occasionally I’ve done well up there. This is all in spite of my debilitating stage fright and complete insecurity. I feel like Marta Kauffman trying to interact with the Friends.  I don’t belong behind the microphone no matter how compelling my raw emotions might be.  I recognize the performance art I create.  I feel like there’s a confusion between what is art and what is performance.  If you don’t know how my mind works it’s easy to mistake me for an actress at times. Continue reading Art vs. Performance →

The Hulkette

Art, Daily Life, Large Events, mur, Quick Thoughts, Random, Rants, Reasons for Things, Stories

I keep my anger in check for the most part. I’m furious with so much of the world, at my own existence, so much of the time I forget it’s there. I don’t feel like Mark Ruffalo really delivered the line to its full potential – I’m always angry. I think it’s why I can walk the streets unmolested almost anywhere. The poor fool that triggers me and unleashes this level of repression might just get his ass killed.  At minimum, gravely wounded.  Continue reading The Hulkette →

Crazy Talk

Art, Book, Daily Life, mur, Random, Rants, Reasons for Things, Yoga

I’m legit crazy. I’ve taken Prozac for the past two and half years to combat my ailment. I have another drug I take to keep my mood level because I’m not bipolar but still have self-destructive mania if I can’t keep it together. My hope is to find regular employment and be self-sufficient. This feels so impossible I’ve started self-identifying as disabled on my job applications. It only seems fair to warn them about my crazy.  Continue reading Crazy Talk →

Cancerous

Art, Daily Life, mur, Rants, Reasons for Things

Walking around in public,
Struggling to keep it together.
A massive burden I’m carrying
around like it’s not there.
Parading invisibly naked,
as if I’m a regular human.
Knowling I’m going to die.
The perspective of a statistic.
Never seen and rarely heard
Fulfilling destiny has never
Been so boring.

Smiles and handshakes.
Nice to meet yous and
This one’s on me.
Where are you from?
What do you do?
How long does it take
To get into your pants?
Depends on the path
And when it’s taken.
Or what I’m drinking.

I know two ways to relax.
Either have a good time
and forget about your worries.
Or sit alone and brood
Going over every layer
Personal deficiencies
Emotional insecurities
Awkward personalities.
Lay them all out straightOne atop the other
A neat stack of issues
Laid out on your bed.
Then
Sleep on the couch