I have a Southern Lady inside of me. She’s a contrarian. That’s like being a white witch of sorts. Not in the Narnia sense so much as as the tribal medicine woman way. Urban white Memphians understand tribal culture more than most. It’s similar to what feeling like a minority is. Looking for a place to belong when we can’t get comfortable. Skin color is the only difference when you grow up in North Memphis. While the rest of the world tells you it isn’t. Continue reading Ready for Action
I moved rashly.
Minimalist planning,
One foot in front of the other
Baby Steps.
Choose a place, get there, survive.
One, two, three.
Every day I’m striving.
Struggling.
Turning to my gut
Finding strength as I make it.
Making ends meet
Meeting new friends
Determined to do it
Or die trying. Continue reading My Situation
I have it written all over my face. I used to be pretty like a Disney princess. Big brown eyes, ample bosom and porcelain clear skin. I put a lot of stock in my appearance, more from people’s consistent reaction than any personal value. Being traditionally pretty has its advantages no matter what your actual flaws are. Pretty people are allowed more chances, shown more forgiveness and generally treated better by professional society. That’s why I like desperate people. They don’t give a damn what you look like.
Continue reading Nostalgia
During X-ray school I was assigned to The Med for my first clinical rotation. As the closest level one trauma center for most of the mid-South, The Med’s x-ray department is notorious for its fast pace and extensive workload. Techs trained there are among the best in the city. I spent the entire first day practically shaking with anxiety. One of the techs took me under her wing to help assuage the intimidation factor. She introduced herself as Tanya but I soon learned her actual name is LaTanya. Posing the obvious question she replies, “Most people just hear the Tanya so I don’t bother with my whole name anymore.” Continue reading LaTanya
My concerted effort to stay single in 2016 was wildly successful. So successful in fact it looks like I’ll stay single for the rest of my life. I’ve forgotten what it feels like be casually affectionate. Can’t even seem to pet my cat right these days. I had a dream last night in a strange house where I neither lived or belonged. While visiting I found a little white puppy, 6-8 weeks old, a white color similar to false teeth and very happy to know me in particular. I asked if I could take the pup home and they said yes. I went down to my car to make sure I could get there with my new companion. Continue reading Puppy Fever
Lennon said, “Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans.” Yoga teaches us to live in the present. So I stopped making plans. My stress level went down and I stopped flaking on plans. There are demons inside of me actively trying to disrupt my life. The mere act of considering doing something wakes them up and their goal is to sap my energy. From doing yoga to making a date, any hint of motivation draws them out. They manifest as a small voice whispering in the back of my head. “You shouldn’t bother. It won’t work out anyway. You aren’t good enough to succeed.” Continue reading Demons
Television has us believe finding a mate is the primary goal in any person’s life. Every main character is plagued by the burning desire to find a soul mate, no matter how well-balanced or successful they seem. Emotional security doesn’t exist in scripts until the requisite mate is found and procreation is initiated. Implications of happily ever after are casually tossed at the audience as two lovers fade into eternity. Despite painting a picture of fulfilling partnerships there’s a sinister reason media focuses so much on relationships – they want you to crave your own drama. It’s the driving force behind consumerism, among other things. Continue reading Nice Shoes, Wanna Start Some Drama?
I love the fact that every person disregarding me today will regret it tomorrow. I make love to that fact every goddamn night. It’s not bitterness or sorrow, just acknowledgement of the waste. Resources better used toward getting laid is funneled into drunken, post-midnight angst. People in-between great love affairs want to believe their drama is interesting. Truth is, that territory belongs squarely to the itinerant loners. Those of us dealing with perpetual rejection and apathy. We only know the love of cold, distant mothers. Continue reading Musings 2.7
The days of trusting my gut are only beginning and no one can make me second guess those decisions anymore. Having a good time doesn’t happen in just one place. This artificial time delineation is the easiest to wrap my tiny human brain around. New Year’s Day feels fresher after all the parties instead of hungover, like the day after Halloween. For the next month I’ll do at least two things every day. Yoga and writing. Forcing my thoughts out into the open is the only way to flush out good ideas. The yoga is for my sanity. Continue reading January 2017