My work situation is frustrating enough I’m talking to strangers about it. I have a strange compulsion to organize everything around me. Not because the disarray bothers me but because I know it will ease the work of others. Watching someone try to cross a bridge that’s poorly made makes me want to build a better bridge so I won’t have to worry anymore. I know the simpler solution is to not care in general but I just can’t seem to do that. Continue reading The Office
I’m reading the The Help at work and it’s making me homesick. I’m often surrounded by a group of individuals who believe the attitudes portrayed in that story are from ancient times. They have never witnessed that type of behavior outside of news stories and performance art. I still fondly remember my grandmother’s black maid Dorothy and the role she played in my family. My grandparents were truly from another era and they weren’t bad people. Their life-long employee got job security and a pretty decent retirement plan. More than I’m getting out my current employment opportunities. Continue reading My Secret
My favorite sound is vehicles trying to accelerate uphill on Queen Anne Ave when the pavement’s wet. Continue reading Cabin Fever
The regularity of a job has been the greatest gift to my sanity recently. The stress I’m managing due to the job itself is minimal compared to the heavy existential angst I put myself through to get here. And what’s better, the job offers 4 sessions of free counseling through a 3rd party. I got stressed out and started crying in front of my boss. Fortunately, I anticipated it and asked to talk in private. I am excited about Labor Day weekend and I am irrationally worried about having the energy to be happy that weekend. Continue reading My Daily Practice
As I’d learn, he was my excuse for not wanting to go home. The boys in my life are traditionally buffers against the women who hate me. Not literally, but that’s the sum of it. My father never protected me from my mother so I look for solace in the dominant male presence. I know they have the ability to cut down inflated female egos, especially when they are pretty. I can cut down a bitch in the mean way. The don’t-get-back-up way. Continue reading
I’m a seed. That’s what I’ve learned. I’m a seed that’s been planted in Seattle. I’ve taken root. I’m in a spot I can maintain, at least for now. Even more than that, I have garden space to plant more seeds. Enough room to house someone I really like. Though, not many people fit that description. But if that someone wanted to give Seattle a go, I’ve got a place to temporarily house them. Most of the people I like could even get a job at the Space Needle. To start, at least.
Right now this list only has one person on it. They know who they are. Continue reading You must be Trippin
I woke up with the taste of bile in my throat. My dreams were full of me choking and hacking, vomiting repeatedly. I was back in my parents’ house for a big family gathering. Smiling and done up business casual I excused myself repeatedly for emetic purposes. No one really noticed or cared. Parties like that are just collections of uncomfortable people waiting it out. I could traipse through the living room dressed as Dr. Frank N. Furter and the most reaction would be nervous giggles with an occasional, “Oh my!” What’s worse, almost no one would get the reference. Continue reading Morning Revelry
It’s all the same. The boy you do like and the boy you don’t like. They are the same person with different things showing. Once you know we’re all the same it’s easier to stop caring what people think. The isolation is still a challenge. I play a subversive game without even trying. Hyper-awareness is a symptom of an abusive upbringing, so they tell me. I’m wedge-shaped and there are times I can’t get out of the way even when I want to. It makes me a frustrating person to keep around. Continue reading Sometimes
Something to listen for:
If you tell someone, “I feel this way,” and their response is “You don’t really feel that way,” they are saying you don’t know what you want and they do.
If that’s true, they probably want to help you.
If it’s not true – don’t have conversations with that person anymore.
Only you can decide what’s true. Good luck.