Category Archives: Rants

Dry Spell

Art, Daily Life, mur, Quick Thoughts, Rants, Stories

During a particularly grueling comedic open mic night last week I heard a fresh-faced 20-something start a set with, “Don’t you hate it when you run out of weed?”

The subsequent joke isn’t important because this alone made me and the person on my left simultaneously chuckle. Unprompted, my anonymous drinking buddy leans over and whispers, “How does someone manage to run out in this day and age?”

I let out another guffaw and nod emphatically. I don’t know his particular story but I can guarantee the comedian on stage has never experienced a true dry spell. Witnessing the war on drugs in my early teens, I’ve maintained a holistic approach to drug use since the 90s. Disinterested in needles or cocaine, I focus on botanical methods of relaxation. The benefit to this approach is the network stays mostly clean and, it seems, partially legal. The down side is managing to make the right connections. Fairly low on the totem pole back then, I still managed to score pot regularly. Just enough busting of mid-level dealers sometimes affected the supply chain but the only people that went completely dry were the endest of end users – mid-country suburbanites.

In Seattle in 2017, the premise of not having pot when you need it sounds completely canned. Delivered by a long-haired nouveau hipster in drop-crotch pants only makes it more overwhelmingly silly. On the bright side, this idiosyncrasy led to a bonding moment. With an actual human! Maybe I’m not as alone in this world as it feels. After all, we all mellow with age. For some, this means descending into a gelatinous mass of lipids and Netflix. Others embrace the new tempo as a more complex challenge. How to enjoy life in the face of entropy? Abandoned by the vigor of youth, I’m almost certain the answer lies in collaboration. Until then, at least we have plenty of weed.

I Wander

Art, Daily Life, mur, Quick Thoughts, Rants

Does it help anyone, knowing how I feel? It doesn’t help to talk about it. If anything this echo chamber makes me feel worse. A reminder that no matter how loudly I scream, no one can hear me. I’m alone in this pain and destined to wander looking for reprieve. Convinced I’m defective, I’ve stopped talking to people in the real world about my feelings. Any inkling of my suicidal tendencies is greeted with talk of triggers and platitudes. As if I’m sharing these feelings for their benefit. All I want is someone that doesn’t find me abhorrent. Continue reading I Wander →

Few Tile

Art, Daily Life, Future Plans, mur, Rants

I don’t like myself. I love who I am and believe I have an important role to play in this world. I just can’t stand to be alone anymore. The nagging desire to stop breathing coupled with guilt for feeling this way consumes most of my conscious hours. I compose chants about my worthlessness and mantras focused on getting by, one step at a time. Spurts of bravery and recklessness cause me to reach out either to existing acquaintances or new people. Success rates are low in both categories. Some individuals seem promising from time to time but most of them are lonely halves of a monogamous couple. Chatting with me must remind them what it’s like to be interesting. Continue reading Few Tile →

Flames

Art, Daily Life, mur, Random, Rants, Reasons for Things, Stories

Watching someone engulfed in flames and the consequent screams is painfully surreal. The monks in Tienanmen Square are much less egotistical about it. Knowing that kid actually existed leaves a taste of reality in my mouth I can’t quite wash away. Probably need some hard liquor. I didn’t start my day thinking about Memphis but it’s hard not to at this point. My walk home last night was littered with mantras about my worthlessness and the desire to stop taking up space. Yet, I’m not dedicated enough to die for it. I view my suicide as that eventual thing I’ll do if I’m desperate enough. Like agreeing to marry someone if you’re both single at forty. Continue reading Flames →

86’d

Daily Life, First Impressions, Games, mur, Rants, Reasons for Things, Stories

I’ve learned something about the service industry this year. Nothing we can steal makes up for what we give them in service. Modern feudalism. Necessary for the operation but expendable as individuals. A difference in perception separates the owner from the worker. Knowing the difference doesn’t equal liberation. Someone must possess a great sense of direction in order to escape the current ruler. A moral compass helps but money is faster.

Continue reading 86’d →

The Vibe

Art, Daily Life, mur, Random, Rants, Stories

Finally, I manage to meet someone who wants to have sex with me. After wading around in months of sludgy self-loathing, I should be excited about this. Showing patience and maturity this guy, let’s call him Jeff, managed hang out with me a few times in public without being pushy. Drinks, dinner and an Uber home after last call – he’s done all the traditional legwork. His behavior indicates a desire to continue seeing me and I appreciate the effort. The attention brightens my outlook and boosts my tenuous self esteem. Yet, we’re drunk and stoned in my apartment after half a dozen dates and I still can’t find my groove. Continue reading The Vibe →

White Guilt

mur, Quick Thoughts, Rants

I don’t have white guilt anymore. My old mantle of shame was lush enough for the Queen of England. Seeing injustice live and in person as a young voiceless witness convinced me of my utter worthlessness early on. I wonder if it’s because I was silent or just my environment. I can’t honestly believe my protests would have produced great change. Aside from stronger self esteem, perhaps. Fortunately, I manage to maintain a high opinion of myself despite years of targeted mental abuse against myself. Shedding undeserved guilt I gleaned growing up was a strong step in the right direction. At the very least it lends contrast to my actual dark elements. Beautiful shadows. Continue reading White Guilt →

Losing My Religion

Art, Book, Daily Life, mur, Rants, Reasons for Things, Stories, Yoga

Slightly better than a functional alcoholic, I’m a stoner yogi. Turns out old hippies are thin because eating isn’t as important once you’re enlightened. Or at least lightened. There’s an IPA on tap here called Bodhizafa. Some guy told me that’s a word for monks who achieve enlightenment but then choose to come back and share their wisdom with the rest of us. My immediate response, “Lazy bastards.” Moderately surprised, the guy asks for an explanation. And I tell him the secret, “Achieving enlightenment isn’t the hard part. Staying there is the trick. I’ve experienced zen at least half a dozen times in my short life. Keeping your mind there is the hard part. Those guys are full of shit – they who cannot do, teach.” Continue reading Losing My Religion →