Category Archives: Quick Thoughts

Blurbs. For the “too long, didn’t read” folks. ;-)

Post-a-Ling-a-Ding

Quick Thoughts

It’s been a while since publishing anything but trust me, there are half-woven stories strewn about my apartment.

I don’t have much to say about my own life except that it seems to be stabilizing. My font of creativity is still flowing and I’m mastering the bottling process one day at a time. I have an adolescent story line that develops muscle every time I put in work. Other thoughts are compiling into what I’m labeling Live Material for now. An inkling for morphing some writing into stage pieces is scratching at the back door of my brain.

All is well, to the extent it can be. I am plagued with thoughts of worthlessness and mediocrity but it hasn’t killed me yet!

I Wander

Art, Daily Life, mur, Quick Thoughts, Rants

Does it help anyone, knowing how I feel? It doesn’t help to talk about it. If anything this echo chamber makes me feel worse. A reminder that no matter how loudly I scream, no one can hear me. I’m alone in this pain and destined to wander looking for reprieve. Convinced I’m defective, I’ve stopped talking to people in the real world about my feelings. Any inkling of my suicidal tendencies is greeted with talk of triggers and platitudes. As if I’m sharing these feelings for their benefit. All I want is someone that doesn’t find me abhorrent. Continue reading I Wander →

Lucy In Demand

Quick Thoughts

The people interested in my drugs aren’t subtle. Yet they put on a face, nonchalant as date rapists. I know the drill. Feed me the extent to which you don’t need what I have. Except, I’ve done this long enough to know what I have. I can prorate the mind expansion but only at my own discretion. I either get love or cash. My semi-libertarian upbringing doesn’t allow much wiggle room between the two. I don’t deal in things I can’t talk intelligently about. I’m fairly sure my great great grandfather was the same way when he negotiated for his land. I’m not ashamed of my past. I simply won’t rely on it. Continue reading Lucy In Demand →

Art, mur, Quick Thoughts

As soon as I met him I knew it would be terrible. A person so determinedly self-involved can’t help but hurt the people around him. I even set myself up by caring about his feelings and investing in his well-being. I spent energy trying to understand and empathize with his troubles, no matter how ridiculous. He fabricates stress from situations that he’s not involved in. Classic drama seeker, I thought I could stay separate from that aspect and still be his friend. It was working until I needed someone to lean on. The opportunity to dramatize presented itself and he ran with it. Standing firm in the assertion I’m better off alone, I am so goddamn alone. Continue reading →

Quarters

Art, Daily Life, mur, Quick Thoughts, Reasons for Things, Stories

Currently, my greatest luxury is knowing I have enough quarters to do laundry without counting. This budget isn’t as hairline thin, compared last year, and things are finally flowing in a positive direction after over a year living in downtown Seattle. I might even luck into another year in my awesome shitty apartment. I tentatively inquired about a rent increase with a reminder of various plumbing/flooding issues from the past year. I adamantly believe I’m the best person to rent that space and am gonna try like hell to stay there. Living alone in LQA might be the only thing keeping me safe in a variety of ways. I won’t stay forever but I’d like another few years. Continue reading Quarters →

White Guilt

mur, Quick Thoughts, Rants

I don’t have white guilt anymore. My old mantle of shame was lush enough for the Queen of England. Seeing injustice live and in person as a young voiceless witness convinced me of my utter worthlessness early on. I wonder if it’s because I was silent or just my environment. I can’t honestly believe my protests would have produced great change. Aside from stronger self esteem, perhaps. Fortunately, I manage to maintain a high opinion of myself despite years of targeted mental abuse against myself. Shedding undeserved guilt I gleaned growing up was a strong step in the right direction. At the very least it lends contrast to my actual dark elements. Beautiful shadows. Continue reading White Guilt →