I can hear people having sex. I’m at a party where the idea is to be loose. I can’t be loose. I don’t feel comfortable being myself around a group of people without backup. I know people here but I’m missing a partner in crime. The ability to be completely open only happen with trust. I have learned to trust my gut and follow what feels right. Seemingly nonsensical to an observer, I always act with purpose. I like my intelligence and ability to empathize, despite how sharp it makes me. When feeling insecure I use yoga and music is the perfect stress-reliever. Overall, I’m fairly put together. Why can’t I loosen up my emotions? Continue reading Garden Party
Category Archives: Quick Thoughts
I, You, Demand
I don’t have time to write down the things I want to say but one thing is certain, breaking my heart open has yielded a pinata’s worth of emotions. Echoing the rejection I faced for years in my hometown, the person-I-could-have-been in Seattle summarily rejected me this week. Neither path approves of my life choices. Can’t say I blame them. I’m not a model of responsibility and I don’t live for the objects around me. I gave up security in order to carve a chunk out of this world before I go. In the end all we have is the people who love us. I plan to maximize that number in the time I have left. Continue reading I, You, Demand
Trivia Night
Someone on this bus smells like feet. I hope it’s not me. Continue reading Trivia Night
Writer’s Bloc
I have reached a point where writer and artist are the same thing the way satellites are the same as moons.
Distraught, I speak in drunk terseness,.
Movement of my reality, Can’t glom onto hetero-normative ideals for the sake of romanticism. Proof-positive, no one I know lives like this. I MUST be wrong,
Scott Free
Not only did he cancel our date tonight, he said there’s no point in ever seeing me again. Yeah, it hurts quite a bit. I’d already figured out the not wanting to date part. I’m used to that. But to not want any contact at all? It feels extreme and unexpected. I suppose this is better than ghosting, no matter how terse the rejection. I asked for a reprieve or, at least, an explanation and got nothing. I’m convinced he’s making a mistake and that’s natural for my side of this. I hope he at least has a good reason, not just fear of the unknown. The hope that’s he’ll change his mind is festering inside of me right at this moment. I’m attempting to kill it with whiskey. Continue reading Scott Free
Slammin’ the D
I’m a naturally nocturnal creature. In the South, avoiding the sun is an understandable trait. In Seattle, it’s not even a challenge. I can go weeks without seeing direct sunlight if I want. Naturally, this led to a clinical deficiency of Vitamin D after my first winter. Every day felt like running through water and I lost the ability to do more than sleep during my time off. Fighting depression is hard enough without the added struggle to sit upright. In my defense, I took supplements for months to no effect. January, I gained a key piece to the puzzle. Vitamin D is only absorbed when taken with a meal. The opposite of what I do when taking pills in the morning. Oops. Continue reading Slammin’ the D
Memphis Magic
It found me again. That undeniable energy drawing purpose out of thin air. Continue reading Memphis Magic
High School Drama
This doesn’t feel done but I’m tired of looking at it… Continue reading High School Drama
Dry Spell
During a particularly grueling comedic open mic night last week I heard a fresh-faced 20-something start a set with, “Don’t you hate it when you run out of weed?”
The subsequent joke isn’t important because this alone made me and the person on my left simultaneously chuckle. Unprompted, my anonymous drinking buddy leans over and whispers, “How does someone manage to run out in this day and age?”
I let out another guffaw and nod emphatically. I don’t know his particular story but I can guarantee the comedian on stage has never experienced a true dry spell. Witnessing the war on drugs in my early teens, I’ve maintained a holistic approach to drug use since the 90s. Disinterested in needles or cocaine, I focus on botanical methods of relaxation. The benefit to this approach is the network stays mostly clean and, it seems, partially legal. The down side is managing to make the right connections. Fairly low on the totem pole back then, I still managed to score pot regularly. Just enough busting of mid-level dealers sometimes affected the supply chain but the only people that went completely dry were the endest of end users – mid-country suburbanites.
In Seattle in 2017, the premise of not having pot when you need it sounds completely canned. Delivered by a long-haired nouveau hipster in drop-crotch pants only makes it more overwhelmingly silly. On the bright side, this idiosyncrasy led to a bonding moment. With an actual human! Maybe I’m not as alone in this world as it feels. After all, we all mellow with age. For some, this means descending into a gelatinous mass of lipids and Netflix. Others embrace the new tempo as a more complex challenge. How to enjoy life in the face of entropy? Abandoned by the vigor of youth, I’m almost certain the answer lies in collaboration. Until then, at least we have plenty of weed.