Last night I put a dream to rest. Continue reading Spilled
Category Archives: Quick Thoughts
Stuck
Stuck in a halfway point. Not here, definitely not there. No traction for my activities or interactions. No reason to even leave home. Better to save my money. Reserve my energy.
If it weren’t for my job, I’d start driving today.
Irresponsible
I was late to work today. I stayed out drinking all night before. That’s how the story goes at least. I definitely didn’t go home early and spend half the night in shock, staring at the ceiling. There was no tossing, turning, or vomiting of any kind. My capricious joy about moving to a new city is certainly not a front for the scalding ulcer of self-doubt and insecurity festering underneath my heart. Sad truth is, it doesn’t matter. I was late, that’s not good.
I have to get my shit together. For some reason, I have to make it look easy or everyone loses faith and the whole thing shatters. Even though it’s not easy. Not even the fun parts. In my defense, I work well under pressure and two weeks is a long fucking time. I don’t know what the future holds and I’m not straining my neck to see. I’m right here, one day at a time. A Course in Miracles starts with just being.
Tomorrow, I book flights, make vet appointments and cancel my internet service. That sets the timeline. By this time next month, I should be in Seattle with two pissed-off cats.
Tentative Travel Plans
15 hours to Albuquerque
99$ Hampton Inn Stay
Night
6 hours to Grand Canyon
Take pictures
7 hours to LA area.
Night
Visit with friends.
14 to Portland
Night with friend.
3 hours Seattle.
Exception State
Washington is one of those states that gets listed in the exceptions. I’ve never lived in an exceptional state. Waddling near the Mason Dixon, living in a network broadcasting area. I feel like Mowgli crawling out of a red jungle, barely more than an animal, so used to the levers and pulleys of franchised drama.
I won’t know how to support myself if they hold me accountable for ALL of my actions.
Parighasana
There’s an asana nicknamed Gate Pose. It’s one of those random poses that gets forgotten because it’s pretty awkward to get into. You start kneeling and then extend a bunch of body parts to one side and then the other. It’s easier to show than describe and I assure you it’s difficult for anyone to actually pull off. Not only is there a fierce lateral extension involved but balancing on one knee is just plain unnatural. When I attempt parighasana it takes every muscle in my body to stay steady. So today, I did it 3 times.
I’m starting to understand how this gangly half-brother to long, graceful poses like trikonasana fits into my practice. In nearly all standing poses, my torso extends out of my hips to create length in my sides. This is easiest when I’m straight up and down or doing a simple bend in one direction, like uttansasana. Trikonasana involves two directions because I’m extending out of my hips while also turning my chest. It gets even more complicated with twists. Parighasana technically only has one bend, but at the strangest angle. Pulling my leg into the hip while extending my torso all the way toward my thigh. I’m dizzy just thinking about it.
Lila
In yoga class my teacher brought up lila, a sanskrit word that expresses the inherent joy and playfulness necessary for creation. Something about the way she phrased it struck a chord in me. Willingness to play around with something leads to new creation. There’s a joy that comes with the act of creation. That’s why we do it. Most brilliance is perceived as as odd at first. Artists embrace the odd, seeking the joy of creation that only appears when you’re on the right track.
I’m essentially creating a new life across the country this month. Only taking what I can fit into my subcompact, I’m trying something completely different from what I was taught to do. It’s a massively serious undertaking that I’m approaching with capricious enthusiasm. I choose to believe that things will work out based on the fact that my true needs are simple. I don’t have a map but I know where I’m going – serenity from minimalism. Lila explains how I find the energy to do it. I don’t mind messing up. Even making mistakes is fulfilling when you’re on the right path.
Questions dealing with the soul are onerous but what would you do otherwise? The light of meaning calls to us. Even if you can’t see, it you know it’s there.
Creeping Sadness
Words and feelings seeping out at angles painful to watch.
Emblazoned across the sky for all the moon to see
Not full until she says we can stop
Fulfillment is not something you can buy
Craven, small boys below the bed, sleeping on mattresses from the floor. The floor of where is the question. Location location location. The locomotion of crazy makes a train-ride out of the city hard to ignore. Confetti and silly string is not punk rock, but then again I’m a sap.
I had a pain in my shoulder I can keep off my back with one more reason to go down. Down town to the place where Leroy brown might be found on the ground. A pound can be the puppy or flesh. Ragged, swelling at the sight of blood all over your cock. You don’t mind. You don’t know.
Better to skip the holiday party, in my experience.
Watching the movie is another way to buy into the hype.
Wuh?
Withering wisened widows watch wunderkind
Knowing the maid doesn’t make her your friend
Wombs wantonly whispering western works
Next on Broadway: Aborted Baby Monologues
Wrinkled women wistfully weep while wasted
Heavy pour for my dead dogs and aching knees
Whales willingly wallow weighted with wanderlust
Rent is the cost of sleeping closer to happiness