I have one shift per week that’s 9-5.
I don’t particularly like it.
It’s there to keep me honest.
And allow others to attend church.
I’m full of grace like that, yo.
Category Archives: Quick Thoughts
I Am Not My Job
The tread marks are leaving a distinct pattern. I’m more invested in this job as a concept than almost anything else I’ve done. It just makes sense. People want good customer service and I’m there to provide it, within set limits. A jovial messenger, I deliver news equally whether good or bad. If the worst thing that happens to you today is not eating at a fancy restaurant on short notice, that’s a pretty good day. Continue reading I Am Not My Job
Partly Cloudy
I’m a boy today. It’s the only way I could get out of the house this morning. Having a fit of insecurity summoned my maleness to stop caring about stupid shit. Donning a man’s shirt I ran a comb through my hair and decided to not care what people see. I’m not manly in many ways but there is a swagger I can pull together. Like a gymnast. Or a jockey. I’ve accepted my status as a butter face. Continue reading Partly Cloudy
On Occasion
Sometimes my cat finds a toy mouse and remembers.
She has a grand time.
Then I notice.
….
The older she gets, the less she cares.
As I’d learn, he was my excuse for not wanting to go home. The boys in my life are traditionally buffers against the women who hate me. Not literally, but that’s the sum of it. My father never protected me from my mother so I look for solace in the dominant male presence. I know they have the ability to cut down inflated female egos, especially when they are pretty. I can cut down a bitch in the mean way. The don’t-get-back-up way. Continue reading
Morning Revelry
I woke up with the taste of bile in my throat. My dreams were full of me choking and hacking, vomiting repeatedly. I was back in my parents’ house for a big family gathering. Smiling and done up business casual I excused myself repeatedly for emetic purposes. No one really noticed or cared. Parties like that are just collections of uncomfortable people waiting it out. I could traipse through the living room dressed as Dr. Frank N. Furter and the most reaction would be nervous giggles with an occasional, “Oh my!” What’s worse, almost no one would get the reference. Continue reading Morning Revelry
Flashbacks
I’m freaking myself out by watching Grey’s Anatomy.
It’s like watching Top Chef: Las Vegas after getting married.
“You aren’t old enough to have regrets,” my Uncle Mark said.
I was 14 and just finished baby-sitting my incredibly well-behaved cousins. I’ve often wondered if my aunt & uncle gave me those gigs just to get me out of my parents’ house. I know I loved being at their house because it was quiet and full of satellite TV. The kids were very easy to hang out with and, at their age, often taught me things inadvertently. That’s how kids are at that age. It could also just be what you do when you need a babysitter.
I mentioned regretting something on the car ride home. The assured nature of my uncle’s remark made me pause for a moment. Why would my age factor into regret? I had done things in my life I wish happened differently. It’s not a question of appropriate – just a fact of my existence. At 14 I’d already circumvented my parents’ will and had experiences that only led to heartbreak. How could I NOT regret that.
I know now. Regret is a choice. Something you have to feed, like a pet. If you stop feeding your guilt and regret it’s easy to abandon some concerns. And, more importantly, some of those concerns should be starved to death. I have a catalogue of experiences in my memory but I don’t regret many. Most of the things I did to rebel weren’t only natural but recommended for my young adult development. My aberration is the only thing separating my childhood from cult life. At least, from what I’m seeing.
Objective and relative both have many meanings. Things are relative except our relatives which are things unto themselves. The objective view of things from a relative situation is like looking through a prism, trying to discover which facet is correct. It all depends what you focus on. I don’t expect to have relatives that react to my objectivity but relatively speaking it’s an objective problem with no solution.
I don’t know if that last paragraph makes sense. I typed it anyway.
Candy
I order an Amazon Pantry shipment about once a month. That means I only get candy once a month. It’s like a game. Let’s see how long I can make this candy last. I would rather have a little bit of sugar every day than all the sugar I want with dry spells. It’s how I’ve approached almost every vice I have. I don’t indulge enough to leave myself wanting. I’ve started applying this to my emotional attachments with varying success. Continue reading Candy