Category Archives: Quick Thoughts

Blurbs. For the “too long, didn’t read” folks. ;-)

Anger Issues

mur, Quick Thoughts, Random, Rants

I’m not quick to anger. I’m whatever the opposite of that is. I cower in the face of strong emotion, head between my knees waiting for the event to end. I react so strongly to perceived violence I once started crying uncontrollably when I thought a cat in a movie had died. Without warning I suddenly feel everything with every cell in my body. The simplest solution is to shut down. I’ve felt my spirit break so many times I should put it on my resume. If I just stare straight ahead and don’t let anyone see me cry everything will work out, right?  Continue reading Anger Issues →

Overcautious

Daily Life, mur, Quick Thoughts, Random, Rants

There’s a girl on Tinder I like. I want to message her but I don’t. I can already feel her rejection. Of course, it’s not real. She’s probably a nice, open-minded person just like me. Won’t judge on appearances and might even have empathy for me as a human. But then again, maybe she’s an asshole. The fact I find her attractive means I’ll be nervous, greatly increasing the chance that I’ll be the asshole.  Really, it’s just safer to do nothing.  Continue reading Overcautious →

Romancing A Stoner

Book, Daily Life, mur, Quick Thoughts, Random

I’m dating again. Partially out of boredom but also out of broke-dom. I can’t afford to hang out unless the other person is buying at least one of the rounds. I have attempted to hang out and not buy anything but that doesn’t cure the bore part of my doms. Unless the person I meet is super interesting. That’s not often the case.  Sometime this summer I forgot how to be alone in public.  Starting this project I knew the cost.  Solitude is easier some days than others.  Meeting new companions who show genuine interest only makes the disparity of loneliness even more stark.  Fortunately, the asshat dates make up for that with consistent moments of gratitude for my independent lifestyle.  Continue reading Romancing A Stoner →

Art vs. Performance

Book, Daily Life, First Impressions, mur, Quick Thoughts, Rants, Reasons for Things, Stories

I’ve had to say it a few times so just to clear things up – I am not a performer. I have been seen on stage and occasionally I’ve done well up there. This is all in spite of my debilitating stage fright and complete insecurity. I feel like Marta Kauffman trying to interact with the Friends.  I don’t belong behind the microphone no matter how compelling my raw emotions might be.  I recognize the performance art I create.  I feel like there’s a confusion between what is art and what is performance.  If you don’t know how my mind works it’s easy to mistake me for an actress at times. Continue reading Art vs. Performance →

Walk on Part

mur, Quick Thoughts, Rants

Women hate me. I mean HATE me. The way the popular girl hates the comic book geek in the 80s movie.  I don’t understand it.  I’ve never understood it.  I still can’t apparently.

The trick is…  I AM a woman.  I’m not a man. I’ve been abused by every woman I’ve ever been close to.   I’m the constant factor and that makes me some kind of victim I can’t recognize.  I’m not a victim.  I’m a warrior.

The Hulkette

Art, Daily Life, Large Events, mur, Quick Thoughts, Random, Rants, Reasons for Things, Stories

I keep my anger in check for the most part. I’m furious with so much of the world, at my own existence, so much of the time I forget it’s there. I don’t feel like Mark Ruffalo really delivered the line to its full potential – I’m always angry. I think it’s why I can walk the streets unmolested almost anywhere. The poor fool that triggers me and unleashes this level of repression might just get his ass killed.  At minimum, gravely wounded.  Continue reading The Hulkette →

Phoneless in Seattle

Daily Life, mur, Quick Thoughts, Rants

It was an irritation at first. Oh no, I don’t have a phone. Gee whiz, that’s not convenient. I still went about my day. Made do with the silence. Kept all the appointments I had potentially made. I had a 16 candles moment on Friday, hoping to see the person I’d invited to the Moth. I didn’t really expect him to show.  No follow-up is legit reason to not be there. My complete radio silence is reason enough to never think about me again. Alas, or something.  Continue reading Phoneless in Seattle →

Roeses

Art, Quick Thoughts

Bouquets of fish eggs
Sloshing and slippery
Dripping
Oozing
Plopping off the ends
Of baby’s breath
Small globes of salty trust
Waiting for life
Wasted
Like sperm in a sock
Silently washed
Forgotten
Aborted
From thought

I’m bleeding now
Isn’t that enough
You want more?
Let me see
(feels self)
I have a tiny bit
more to give
But you have to stop
When I say
STOP

If I say go
GO

But,
Please don’t go.
I’m alone without you.
I don’t know what to do
without you
Until

I meet someone else
They ask why I try
They ask what I want
I say I don’t know
Because
I love you
But I don’t
Want to do this again.
Feel this low.
Know this pain.

I can help you
She says.
I want to believe
I want to
LET GO
To do that is simple
Every time you almost care
Take a shot.
(gulp)
If you look around
And everything still seems
useless
(gulp)
Rinse.
Repeat.
Survive.
That’s all you need.
(gulp)

Mercy Seat

Art, mur, Quick Thoughts

How should we do this?
Tell you about my faults?
Fears?
Mind killers?
Why should you care?
Apathy isn’t a super power
Any more than laziness is a skill
Languishing in pain
Waiting for someone
anyone
to notice me.
See me doing such a great job
Holding it together.
I don’t blame my mother
Any more than I blame her mother
Growing up in an sectional world
Living in a time
Witnessing crimes
People already spoke against
Ages ahead of my birth.
Why then?
Can’t I say it’s wrong
Still.

Progress is HARD
and SLOW
Especially that last bit
After the real conflict.
During the time children
Take for granted
Things my generation
watched happen.

Sometimes lack of conflict
Is characterized by the silence
I’m told to keep.
Others reject any semblance
Of what they used to resemble
And claim progress.

As if the shadow
Of who we are
Isn’t connected
To where we were.

Want to hear about my failures?