Category Archives: Daily Life

Everything from impromptu thoughts to well-constructed observations.

Mercy Seat

How should we do this?
Tell you about my faults?
Fears?
Mind killers?
Why should you care?
Apathy isn’t a super power
Any more than laziness is a skill
Languishing in pain
Waiting for someone
anyone
to notice me.
See me doing such a great job
Holding it together.
I don’t blame my mother
Any more than I blame her mother
Growing up in an sectional world
Living in a time
Witnessing crimes
People already spoke against
Ages ahead of my birth.
Why then?
Can’t I say it’s wrong
Still.

Progress is HARD
and SLOW
Especially that last bit
After the real conflict.
During the time children
Take for granted
Things my generation
watched happen.

Sometimes lack of conflict
Is characterized by the silence
I’m told to keep.
Others reject any semblance
Of what they used to resemble
And claim progress.

As if the shadow
Of who we are
Isn’t connected
To where we were.

Want to hear about my failures?

Happy Hour

I forgot one of my best tricks. Ask for coffee with a shot of Jameson on the side. That gets you two Irish coffees for the price of one. The ratio might be a bit off at first but you get used to it. Just like the taste of cheap beer. It’s not what you want but quantity outranks quality when you are killing time. I have nowhere else to go. Can’t even afford the cover at shows I want to support. The cheapest way to deal with it is get loaded during happy hour and play video games all night.  Continue reading Happy Hour

Crazy Talk

I’m legit crazy. I’ve taken Prozac for the past two and half years to combat my ailment. I have another drug I take to keep my mood level because I’m not bipolar but still have self-destructive mania if I can’t keep it together. My hope is to find regular employment and be self-sufficient. This feels so impossible I’ve started self-identifying as disabled on my job applications. It only seems fair to warn them about my crazy.  Continue reading Crazy Talk

Cancerous

Walking around in public,
Struggling to keep it together.
A massive burden I’m carrying
around like it’s not there.
Parading invisibly naked,
as if I’m a regular human.
Knowling I’m going to die.
The perspective of a statistic.
Never seen and rarely heard
Fulfilling destiny has never
Been so boring.

Smiles and handshakes.
Nice to meet yous and
This one’s on me.
Where are you from?
What do you do?
How long does it take
To get into your pants?
Depends on the path
And when it’s taken.
Or what I’m drinking.

I know two ways to relax.
Either have a good time
and forget about your worries.
Or sit alone and brood
Going over every layer
Personal deficiencies
Emotional insecurities
Awkward personalities.
Lay them all out straightOne atop the other
A neat stack of issues
Laid out on your bed.
Then
Sleep on the couch

Puppy Love

I finally went out without caring for once.  Don’t care how I look, don’t care how I act.  I just didn’t care at all about life at that point.  Going by the bar on a weekend night, I know better than to get noticed.  Half the people I meet say they are regulars and yet I’ve never seen them.  Regulars are there when I am.  On weeknights or during the day. The slish-slosh Saturday nights you and your buddies love so much wouldn’t be there without the solid bones of weeknight regulars.  Continue reading Puppy Love

Hoo Am Eye

My identity is ironic at this point.  I’ve spent a couple years following my instincts, trying new things and staying positive.  I’ve discovered delightful worlds that are fun to visit.  I’m still looking for a place where I fit in.  Someone told me I fit in at The Magic Hat but I don’t feel it.  I’m only a performer if the world is a stage.   I’m an audience member, at best.  Granted being a good audience member has its own challenges.

I’ve altered my appearance as much as possible to express how I feel about who I am.  A larger percentage of my body would be tattooed if I had the right resources.  Maybe I’d be perceived as less of a white chick that way?  I could try shaving my head completely but in my experience a good haircut has the same effect.  I could try wearing different clothes however my experience suggests worrying about what I’m wearing is a step in the wrong direction.  Otherwise I just keep being me and suffer as silently as possible.  No one likes a complainer.

There’s a fundamental part of me that I still recognize from my youth.  I remember being young and absorbing the things around me.  I did my best to follow rules when they make sense and understood empathy very early.  Questioning authority is the only real credit I have to my name.  I’m not special and yet am treated better than others?  I’m not challenged by anything except unrealistic expectations.  I hate who I am almost as much as the person you think I am.

Getting Laid Off

I knew I’d never last – I didn’t gain any weight. The manager told me on the first day of training, “Just so you know, you will gain weight working here.” I have a Mona Lisa smile for statements like that. It’s my only civil response to stupid assumptions. As a walking cliche, you get used to leveraging stereotypes and associated prejudices. I’m a blonde girl with a mohawk in The Seattle Times. I’m that chick with nice tits at the CSPC. I’m the quiet one at the dive bar. I’m a terrible singer at The Mecca. All of these things are me but I am not any of them.  No more than my hair is blue.

I should be more distraught by the loss of a job that came so hard won.  Unfortunately, I didn’t see this coming so soon.  The epic level of silent treatment by my coworkers became almost comfortable.  Every phone call was a refuge.  The strangers wanting to make reservations transported me directly to anywhere but there and I’d have civil interactions for as many as one or two minutes.  Hanging up the phone I’d dive back into whatever book I was reading.  Not hearing things in the interim got easier with practice.

It’s not that I didn’t get along with the people in the office.  The opposite, in some ways.  I can relate all too well to their shallow middle class struggles.  I remember all too well the days spent worrying about how many calories I’m eating.  Oddly, I identify with the gay millennial living in a post-Ru Paul era.  Making sure everyone knows how unique he is without the mess of actual struggle.  At least he has accountability, as opposed to the lazy single mother that complains about everything constantly.

Of course, in that office having a child is more important than work ethic.  I was reminded repeatedly that my lack of children makes me less of a real person.  I guess my mom was right, you aren’t really an adult until you’ve had kids?  I wish that came with some magical discount on my cost of living.  If not having dependents is suppose to make it easier to survive I must be doing it wrong.

Vanilla, 3 Scoops

For my birthday this year, I wanted a sexual fantasy.  I wanted to be the submissive center of attention for 15 minutes at a sex club.   My leather daddy is out of town for Burning Man so I’m didn’t get the VIP treatment he spoiled me with in May.  I put too much faith in chance and planned my party poorly.  I ended up with two enthusiastic men but I’m no stranger to the devil’s threesome so it was a lackluster event in my greater scheme.  It’s my fault really.  Shouldn’t have expectations in the first place.  Continue reading Vanilla, 3 Scoops

Pee Pee Dee

Today is my birthday.  I spent the entire morning not speaking to anyone.  After attending PAX and hanging out with my best friend from Memphis all weekend, not talking feels good.  Working on phones at the Space Needle was an exhausting experience for my vocal chords.  Expanding the range of my voice is tough progress.  It requires working even when I’m tired.  Soreness is a fact of life.  I just want to find somewhere I can be in pain for a good reason.  Continue reading Pee Pee Dee