Category Archives: Daily Life

Everything from impromptu thoughts to well-constructed observations.

Appearances

Art, Book, Daily Life, Future Plans, mur, Reasons for Things

I don’t know what I look like most of the time.  For the longest time, number charts and simple ratios had me convinced I’m obese.  The fancy word for it is body dysmorphia but I avoid using medical terms whenever I can.  A diagnosis for thought patterns is only necessary if the problem makes you see a doctor about it.  Even though I’ve been depressed my entire life I didn’t call it depression until after treatment.  Sort of like how you’re not an alcoholic until you decide it’s true.  Just like how you can’t help someone until they want help.  Continue reading Appearances →

Parasitic

Book, Daily Life, mur, Random, Stories

When I feel this way I know I’m leaking energy.  Something’s not right in my flow and to “go with it” is rough on me.  Knowing my own body, heart, mind and soul it’s easy to feel foreign things creeping in under the carpet.  Insinuating themselves into my psyche, speaking when not spoken to.  Chips on my shoulder, curving inward, biting my skin.  I was a Carrier.  Now I’m a rock.  No desire to move anymore.  A foundation so solid I’m gathering moss.  I can sense the parasites more easily now.  Continue reading Parasitic →

Romancing A Stoner

Book, Daily Life, mur, Quick Thoughts, Random

I’m dating again. Partially out of boredom but also out of broke-dom. I can’t afford to hang out unless the other person is buying at least one of the rounds. I have attempted to hang out and not buy anything but that doesn’t cure the bore part of my doms. Unless the person I meet is super interesting. That’s not often the case.  Sometime this summer I forgot how to be alone in public.  Starting this project I knew the cost.  Solitude is easier some days than others.  Meeting new companions who show genuine interest only makes the disparity of loneliness even more stark.  Fortunately, the asshat dates make up for that with consistent moments of gratitude for my independent lifestyle.  Continue reading Romancing A Stoner →

Art vs. Performance

Book, Daily Life, First Impressions, mur, Quick Thoughts, Rants, Reasons for Things, Stories

I’ve had to say it a few times so just to clear things up – I am not a performer. I have been seen on stage and occasionally I’ve done well up there. This is all in spite of my debilitating stage fright and complete insecurity. I feel like Marta Kauffman trying to interact with the Friends.  I don’t belong behind the microphone no matter how compelling my raw emotions might be.  I recognize the performance art I create.  I feel like there’s a confusion between what is art and what is performance.  If you don’t know how my mind works it’s easy to mistake me for an actress at times. Continue reading Art vs. Performance →

Walk on Part

mur, Quick Thoughts, Rants

Women hate me. I mean HATE me. The way the popular girl hates the comic book geek in the 80s movie.  I don’t understand it.  I’ve never understood it.  I still can’t apparently.

The trick is…  I AM a woman.  I’m not a man. I’ve been abused by every woman I’ve ever been close to.   I’m the constant factor and that makes me some kind of victim I can’t recognize.  I’m not a victim.  I’m a warrior.

The Hulkette

Art, Daily Life, Large Events, mur, Quick Thoughts, Random, Rants, Reasons for Things, Stories

I keep my anger in check for the most part. I’m furious with so much of the world, at my own existence, so much of the time I forget it’s there. I don’t feel like Mark Ruffalo really delivered the line to its full potential – I’m always angry. I think it’s why I can walk the streets unmolested almost anywhere. The poor fool that triggers me and unleashes this level of repression might just get his ass killed.  At minimum, gravely wounded.  Continue reading The Hulkette →

Phoneless in Seattle

Daily Life, mur, Quick Thoughts, Rants

It was an irritation at first. Oh no, I don’t have a phone. Gee whiz, that’s not convenient. I still went about my day. Made do with the silence. Kept all the appointments I had potentially made. I had a 16 candles moment on Friday, hoping to see the person I’d invited to the Moth. I didn’t really expect him to show.  No follow-up is legit reason to not be there. My complete radio silence is reason enough to never think about me again. Alas, or something.  Continue reading Phoneless in Seattle →

Roeses

Art, Quick Thoughts

Bouquets of fish eggs
Sloshing and slippery
Dripping
Oozing
Plopping off the ends
Of baby’s breath
Small globes of salty trust
Waiting for life
Wasted
Like sperm in a sock
Silently washed
Forgotten
Aborted
From thought

I’m bleeding now
Isn’t that enough
You want more?
Let me see
(feels self)
I have a tiny bit
more to give
But you have to stop
When I say
STOP

If I say go
GO

But,
Please don’t go.
I’m alone without you.
I don’t know what to do
without you
Until

I meet someone else
They ask why I try
They ask what I want
I say I don’t know
Because
I love you
But I don’t
Want to do this again.
Feel this low.
Know this pain.

I can help you
She says.
I want to believe
I want to
LET GO
To do that is simple
Every time you almost care
Take a shot.
(gulp)
If you look around
And everything still seems
useless
(gulp)
Rinse.
Repeat.
Survive.
That’s all you need.
(gulp)

What’s My Name Bitch

Art, Book, Daily Life, mur, Rants

No one really knows.  Not knowing names keeps me level with everyone.  I don’t get too attached.  I’d rather know your dog’s name.  I’m more likely to like your dog.  The people I get along with are usually dog owners.  My idea of interesting conversation makes most people uncomfortable.  It’s like a rabbit hole and if you aren’t used to free-falling within a stranger’s consciousness it can be a little overwhelming at times.  But that’s when I feel the most connection, that point where most shy away. Continue reading What’s My Name Bitch →