Category Archives: January 2017

This Guy

Daily Life, January 2017, mur, Rants

Keeps making me think something great will happen. Sexually frustrated and emotionally unfulfilled, it’s like a bad parody of my marriage. Except this guy is a bigger asshole. I’m just waiting for him to find some girl’s ass to crawl up. Then I’ll be alone for all these plans we’re making. He doesn’t know he’s doing it. His genuine naivety would be adorable if it wasn’t so tired. Every person he meets thinks he’s charming. Every girl he eyes sees through it and that doesn’t stop them from enjoying the attention. Continue reading This Guy →

Horizon

Art, Daily Life, January 2017, mur, Random

Smokestacks spewing immobile
Busy port frozen in perpetuity
Nothing on the horizon moves
While you are watching
Forever crawling skyward
Razor-toothed skyline
Sizeable conifers grinning
Bigger than a bus, you think?
Ferryboats slice through the scene
Lumbering between lands

My Sanity

Daily Life, January 2017, mur, Quick Thoughts, Random, Rants, Reasons for Things

I’m the first to admit I’m crazy. I try to spin it in a lovable way, letting my mania envelope friends in fun most of the time. I don’t have any enemies I know of and can speak my mind with most people. Despite efforts to remain considerate I can’t control how people receive my bounty. The type of energy I deal with has a lot to do with location. Proximity, elevation, latitude, orbits – I consider multiple factors when making important decisions. As a result, I feel my choices are grounded. Time elapses, I eventually say what I’m thinking.  Continue reading My Sanity →

Eagerness

Art, Daily Life, January 2017, mur, Random, Rants, Reasons for Things, Stories

Upon divorcing, I changed my entire approach to dating. I used to go for what I want fairly directly without many complaints. My opening of, “Hey, I want you,” generally followed with “Uhm, okay.” Hardly resounding enthusiasm but I didn’t really require that. Generally my hapless victim hung around until I wanted something different, usually 3 to 6 months later. Serial monogamy is what they call it. Sometimes, significant bonds formed and losses were painful. That never stopped me from moving on. I didn’t feel capricious because I thought that was dating. In hindsight, I call it coping. Continue reading Eagerness →

Is it 2 1’s or 2?

Art, Daily Life, Games, January 2017, Mecca, mur, Quick Thoughts, Random, Stories

Sitting behind a group of friends playing games together. I’m at work and playing a video game. The game is a grind because nothing in my life is easy right now and my mind wandered. Only voices to me, I developed caricatures of the group at my back. The main voice, describing the game seems tall and thin. The others are a various smattering of the Rat Pack mixed with the Lil’ Rascals. I can’t say there’s a huge span of demographic in my images. Most of my visual thoughts occur in grayscale. There’s a smattering of sepia when I’m feeling nostalgic. I’m just not that great of an artist. Continue reading Is it 2 1’s or 2? →

Nostalgiarrhea

Art, Daily Life, Future Plans, January 2017, mur, Quick Thoughts

I ate a xanax for the first time in ages today. I’ve felt a stiffness in my neck and shoulders for a few days and finally my jaw started to ache. I’m clenching my jaw when I sleep and getting tension headaches. I personally believe this is because I’m not getting laid. At least, not often enough. I feel like I am getting control of my life and yet still have fitful dreams every night. Vivid scenarios involving the same general motif. There’s one place and one person that keeps coming back to my mind. I want to start questioning my decisions. I’m afraid my entire life is a mistake. I am wavering on Rule #1 – Never go back. Continue reading Nostalgiarrhea →

Nonviolent Civil Disobedience

Art, January 2017, mur, Rants, Reasons for Things

I bear you no ill will. That doesn’t mean I have to be nice. Courtesy is taught with an assumption it will be reciprocated or, at least, appreciated. Times have changed and what was once considered refined has faded into hollow ceremony with, at worst, an air of pretension. The seedy underside of politeness is conversations whispered in corners and behind closed doors. The need to be vulgar and honest perseveres no matter how kind a person is on the exterior. Gossip and judgement are part of basic human nature and shouldn’t be ignored. Flatly declaring opinions wrong is where subversive bigotry breeds. Continue reading Nonviolent Civil Disobedience →

Makeup

Art, January 2017, mur, Quick Thoughts, Random

Ugh, I feel ugly today.
Why do you say that?
I need a haircut, there’s a zit the size of Mount Rainier on my chin and all of my jeans are too tight so clearly I’m fat. I’m surprised your face hasn’t melted off just looking at me.
Your hair is fine, acne is temporary and you are a size 8 – that’s not fat.
But I FEEL fat.
Then stop it.
*rolls eyes* It’s that easy?Not any harder than going for a walk.
That’s not going to fix anything.
Have you tried it?
*sigh* No. I get sore whenever I go walking.
That’s what it feels like to get stronger.
It hurts?
Essentially. Challenges make us stronger so if it’s easy you probably aren’t making any progress.
But it’s easier.
Yes. And fruitless.
I don’t care about the fruit. I just don’t want to feel bad about myself anymore.
Let’s start by walking.
Fine.
As for the zit, that’s why we have concealer.
I know.
So why don’t you use it?
Because makeup is the most successful gender discriminating ploy designed by the patriarchy to oppress women. I refuse to be a pawn in their mind games.
Oooookay. But it does make you prettier.
It’s also too expensive.
Can’t argue with that. Like I said, the zit is temporary. Just forget about it.
Fine but that still leaves this mess of hair on top of my head.
Don’t worry, that’s taken care of.
Oh?
We’re walking to the salon.
You’re a genius.
I know.

Lonesome

January 2017, mur, Quick Thoughts, Rants

I’ve posted over 600 times in this blog. I started the project with faith I would find myself in these musings. Part of me thinks I have. And my parents are right. I am pretty much worthless. Tonight I saw my mediocrity contrasted against creative shiny people with so much to offer the world. I held a smile on my face and hope the pain I feel doesn’t radiate outside of my body. I’ve been lonely my entire life. I was a fool to think that would change with my location. If anything, I left behind the few kind souls that have shown me compassion in my short life. My cat is once again the only thing keeping me connected to this world. I hate to think of how much respect she’d lose for me if I killed myself. I don’t want her to see that. I’m less concerned with what the rest of the world thinks. I’m very dislikeable and the older I get the more permanent it feels. I crave the day I’m brave enough to buy a gun. I want to put a bloody exclamation point on the end of this life, the worst mistake my mother ever made.