It’s been a wild ride, but I set the date last year.  Time to follow through.  I’m here.

I want to stop apologizing for who I am
I want the respect I deserve

I’m not going to back down or be bullied.

I HAVE BEEN PAYING ATTENTION THIS ENTIRE TIME.

I won’t apologize for the knowledge I’ve learned
I won’t apologize for the money spent on me
I won’t apologize for the attention
I don’t want any of it.  I have been here by contrition the entire time.  A silent part of a world I did not create.  I have played the game and now I’m winning.  People want me.  They want to be me.  The narcissism is too much to bear.

I’m not Karen Finley.  I’m not Joan of Arc.  I’m just trying to exist every day.  I want love.  I want comfort.  I want fulfillment.  I’m just like all of you.

Why am I different.

It’s not me.  It’s the people I know.  There’s this scene in a book I don’t remember the name of.  Men dance in a circle around one woman.  She is the center of the show.  They all have erections and each man ritualistically ejaculates into her.  This object.  A repository.  A vessel.  They fill her and at the end of the dance the woman, who clearly must enjoy this, is screaming as she is engulfed in flames.  That’s how they were able to create new technology. – Fantastic book by a prolific science-fiction writer that I should remember the name of but I don’t so just deal with it.

Knowing things is not as important as you think it is.

I feel like that woman (in the book) except I’m just in pain.  I’m not creating anything.

All the other artists have already done this.  Nothing is new.  Shakespeare already did it.  I’m just good at it “for a girl”.  No way left to be great.   Everything’s documented and if you weren’t there you are here.  THAT’S CLEARLY INFERIOR BECAUSE I’M NOT HAPPY HERE.  Let’s remember the times we were happy.  If we drink enough and squint what we have now looks even BETTER than what we had.

WHY AM I STILL SAD?