I’m going with the flow so swimmingly I’m not sure which way is up. The job I’m working requires a type of stress management only a crazy person could love. Fortunately, I’m that kind of crazy. My accumulated experiences in the workforce has taught me many valuable lessons. Namely, don’t take work home with you. In a bar that applies to the clientele as well, to my dismay. I know for a fact that hooking up with people at your bar is a rookie mistake. I’ve got them all convinced I’m not a rookie. Ispo facto – no nookie with the nerds. I’ve adopted a imperious attitude with regulars as an attempt to distance myself from all of their pretty faces. My mantras revolve around the idea no one would want me anyway. The effect on my self esteem is damaging.
Continue reading Jazz Hands →

I talk about death and dying a lot. It’s part of my nature. If I don’t occasionally voice my thoughts on the subject the thoughts gum up the works in my brain. I meander through my day with a dull pulsing in my temple. “I want to die. I want to die. I want to die.” I silently watch other people going about their own lives, always wondering if any of them feel the oppressive weight of self-loathing I live with. I marvel that they can still breathe through the palpable pain I’m emanating. I envy them, at least on some level. An intimate observer of the many layers of shit in this world, I wonder if it’s warm underneath a mound of dung. Continue reading Censorship →

I’m surrounded by the life I knew in Memphis. Bars, insecurity, aspiration, despair and hope. All of the things you witness in a group of people from different places. I didn’t find some cross-sectional utopia where we can all attest to our different challenges in life. This is anywhere people meet to hang out because they are lonely. A dive bar. A coffee shop. A book club. A meetup.com. Any of these places are where you find people from radically different backgrounds coming together because they experienced the same thing.

In my married life things were slightly more organized. My husband and I dedicated personal time to people that knew him before he was married. I wish it wasn’t so true but I didn’t have any friends and his group was accustomed to absorbing new members. The problem is I don’t absorb. I can’t ignore some thing and when it comes to female social structure, I’m sort of a lone wolf. I don’t dislike others. I’m grounded in what I truly believe. Until I’ve known you long enough to establish a certain baseline of moral being it’s incredibly hard to believe you’re a real thing.

Best example. When I got to Seattle I encountered a person going through a divorce somewhat similar to mine. A person experiencing a shadow of my reality that described it with eerie accuracy. My courage being weak, I didn’t talk to him about these very personal ideas because somehow I knew it wouldn’t be welcomed. The Seattle Freeze isn’t an intentional exclusion. It’s more like a skepticism – an inability to believe someone else can empathize. The Pacific Northwest is insanely sensitive. I’m sensitive and insane, yet it’s not exactly the same thing. I’m happy to be questioned – my insanity isn’t conventional.

I recently got a chance to talk to a happily married couple looking for some fun on the side. In the conversation I tried to discover the source of their deviance. I have no moral issue with a couple seeking outside entertainment. My issue is with the reasons behind it. Having only spoken to the man in the couple I agreed to meet them together on a Friday night in Capitol Hill, Seattle. Once we met my suspicions are confirmed – an awkward boy looking for something different while his wife merely came along for the ride. Kudos to him for not being a cheater. I addressed my advice directly to her, “You need to figure out what you want.”

My meaning isn’t to imply a guilt complex. Merely the fact that she is clearly in control of this relationship, so it’s on her to make a decision about what she wants. If it’s an open marriage, she needs to participate more actively. If they want totally different things, perhaps a separation. Or just separate ventures. It’s not up to me, I can only imagine some of the practical solutions. I try hard to only have strong opinions on what I truly have input on. Otherwise I’m just side-seat driving someone’s life.

The truth in my life – I’m looking for someone I can trust. Someone just as willing to sleep next to me as go bar hopping. I want someone less interested in sex and more interested in time spent together. The relationships I have are mostly predictable and I’m grateful for that. If I don’t find a genuine source of affection in the next few months I might have to resort back to one-night stands. By then, I should be numb enough to not mind much. Condoms have never been more important to me than they are now.