As soon as I met him I knew it would be terrible. A person so determinedly self-involved can’t help but hurt the people around him. I even set myself up by caring about his feelings and investing in his well-being. I spent energy trying to understand and empathize with his troubles, no matter how ridiculous. He fabricates stress from situations that he’s not involved in. Classic drama seeker, I thought I could stay separate from that aspect and still be his friend. It was working until I needed someone to lean on. The opportunity to dramatize presented itself and he ran with it. Standing firm in the assertion I’m better off alone, I am so goddamn alone. Continue reading
All posts by Ro
Quarters
Currently, my greatest luxury is knowing I have enough quarters to do laundry without counting. This budget isn’t as hairline thin, compared last year, and things are finally flowing in a positive direction after over a year living in downtown Seattle. I might even luck into another year in my awesome shitty apartment. I tentatively inquired about a rent increase with a reminder of various plumbing/flooding issues from the past year. I adamantly believe I’m the best person to rent that space and am gonna try like hell to stay there. Living alone in LQA might be the only thing keeping me safe in a variety of ways. I won’t stay forever but I’d like another few years. Continue reading Quarters
Flames
Watching someone engulfed in flames and the consequent screams is painfully surreal. The monks in Tienanmen Square are much less egotistical about it. Knowing that kid actually existed leaves a taste of reality in my mouth I can’t quite wash away. Probably need some hard liquor. I didn’t start my day thinking about Memphis but it’s hard not to at this point. My walk home last night was littered with mantras about my worthlessness and the desire to stop taking up space. Yet, I’m not dedicated enough to die for it. I view my suicide as that eventual thing I’ll do if I’m desperate enough. Like agreeing to marry someone if you’re both single at forty. Continue reading Flames
86’d
I’ve learned something about the service industry this year. Nothing we can steal makes up for what we give them in service. Modern feudalism. Necessary for the operation but expendable as individuals. A difference in perception separates the owner from the worker. Knowing the difference doesn’t equal liberation. Someone must possess a great sense of direction in order to escape the current ruler. A moral compass helps but money is faster.
The Vibe
Finally, I manage to meet someone who wants to have sex with me. After wading around in months of sludgy self-loathing, I should be excited about this. Showing patience and maturity this guy, let’s call him Jeff, managed hang out with me a few times in public without being pushy. Drinks, dinner and an Uber home after last call – he’s done all the traditional legwork. His behavior indicates a desire to continue seeing me and I appreciate the effort. The attention brightens my outlook and boosts my tenuous self esteem. Yet, we’re drunk and stoned in my apartment after half a dozen dates and I still can’t find my groove. Continue reading The Vibe
Gen Whadevar?
South Park sums it up again.
What makes us different makes us beautiful.
Butters knows all.
White Guilt
I don’t have white guilt anymore. My old mantle of shame was lush enough for the Queen of England. Seeing injustice live and in person as a young voiceless witness convinced me of my utter worthlessness early on. I wonder if it’s because I was silent or just my environment. I can’t honestly believe my protests would have produced great change. Aside from stronger self esteem, perhaps. Fortunately, I manage to maintain a high opinion of myself despite years of targeted mental abuse against myself. Shedding undeserved guilt I gleaned growing up was a strong step in the right direction. At the very least it lends contrast to my actual dark elements. Beautiful shadows. Continue reading White Guilt
TN Quickstep
“What, huh? No, I’m fine.” Continue reading TN Quickstep
The Girl Who Cried Wolf
Help.