Who else hears Juliette Lewis’s voice from Natural Born Killers every time they hear that phrase?

There is one person I’ve had a crush on since I moved to Seattle. I know he doesn’t like me. I’ve known since the first time I met him. I asked him out this weekend. Further proof that I’m an emotional masochist. Cleaning house in my brain, I decided it was better to make room. I’m perpetually hung up on someone so it won’t take long to fill that vacancy. Hopefully this time it’s with someone I don’t see every fucking week.

This crush is a gentleman and he rejected me with a glancing blow. Kindly reserving his distaste, I was given an extenuating circumstance that prevents any further contact. Still, the failure rings in my ears. One more dream-life shattered by facts. I could have kept that fantasy comfortably for the next year at least. Oh well. My ego needs a break. I’m tired and just want to be around someone that is content with me as is. I crave the company of someone that wants to know more about me. I want a relationship.

My divorce was finalized over a year ago and I’ve lived alone for nearly two. The most important change in dating since my 20s is me. A close second is the advent of non-monogamy in American culture. Seattle is good to me in that regard. I have met more rejection here than anywhere else in my life. Well, if you don’t count my parents. It’s glorious. Every spectrum or scale anyone used to measure me in Memphis came back as one extreme or the other. I have the personality of brick or I’m a prodigy. In the Pacific Northwest, I’m almost conservative.

I wouldn’t say I’m a religious person. On the other hand, my spirituality runs deep. It’s where my everlasting wellspring of energy comes from. When I need to propel myself toward things that make me fearful, that’s how I manage. Yoga is a simple explanation of what I believe. Unfortunately, that term is so watered down these days it doesn’t mean anything anymore. I believe in energy on a fundamental level. The physical bodies we hold together derive from a central spark of consciousness that is ultimately connected to a universal whole. It’s sort of the same thing that makes people want to save trees.

In Seattle, I feel like a bona fide witch. I’m so sure of the magic all around me it’s almost insulting. How can you not see it? Then I remember the years of repression and psychological torture. I guess you could blame sex, drugs and music. Don’t forget to throw in video games and movies for good measure. The currents of energy flowing through this region bring a chill. It’s stark, a quality I adore. Perpetual rain can wear down the brightest of souls. Best to know your shadow well before moving here, lest you forget what it looks like.