I ate a xanax for the first time in ages today. I’ve felt a stiffness in my neck and shoulders for a few days and finally my jaw started to ache. I’m clenching my jaw when I sleep and getting tension headaches. I personally believe this is because I’m not getting laid. At least, not often enough. I feel like I am getting control of my life and yet still have fitful dreams every night. Vivid scenarios involving the same general motif. There’s one place and one person that keeps coming back to my mind. I want to start questioning my decisions. I’m afraid my entire life is a mistake. I am wavering on Rule #1 – Never go back.

Going back to visit Memphis isn’t even a question in my mind. I knew I’d visit again before I even left. The transformation isn’t complete until I’ve confronted my past. I feel ready but the universe disagrees. My homesickness is reaching epic proportions and the desire to hibernate looms. I need to find a solution to my residency before May and that isn’t very far away. I actually want to plan ahead for once. I want to know where I’m going to be in September. I want to look forward to my future.

Time spent with dogs is never wasted. My dog lives in Memphis. I want to see her as much as I possibly can. That isn’t very much at this point but she’s young. I still have hope.