I’ve never been fond of umbrellas. Navigating rain in Memphis meant getting to and from a car at varying distances from buildings. Almost none of the places I frequent require anything but a hop, skip or jump from my car door. Opening and closing an umbrella was more annoying than useful. Out here in Seattle, I often see value in a miniature shelter. When you’re waiting at the same uncovered bus stop every morning, or walking a mile to reach said bus stop, there’s great reason to having an umbrella on hand. Just like driving your own car is more convenient. However, there’s a point where you need to park the umbrella and commute like the rest of us.

There’s a myth Seattleites don’t use umbrellas. That’s not true. There are umbrellas all over Seattle, used to good effect. Except downtown during rush hour. In that specific time and place using your umbrella is just plain rude. Navigating pedestrian cross traffic full of people actively trying to get somewhere is why rain jackets have hoods. Is it really necessary to have a 3-foot radius between you and the elements? Before you start saying something about your hair getting wet or makeup getting smudged, I’ll just let you know right away – nobody cares. No one at work cares what you look like. Trust me.

The umbrella issue is just another subtle example of upper middle class narcissism. What makes you so damn special you need an umbrella on your commute in downtown Seattle? Look around. If every person on the street also had an umbrella, would they fit on that sidewalk? Now look at the edges of your umbrella. Are they sharp and pointy? Most are. Is the rain dripping more heavily off the sides of your tented cover? Usually is. These are all small inconveniences that become exponentially problematic in a crowd of people. If you really need to protect your face, that’s why hats with brims exist.

I’m not really into be peer pressure but I will completely umbrella-shame someone if it’s appropriate. We live in Seattle, it’s going to rain. At least 90% of that rain is barely heavy enough to get you damp during a 3-block walk. The few times it’s actually raining real rain, just accept you are going to get wet that day. Minimize discomfort and move on. Don’t use superfluous methods to stay completely dry. The weather we get the other 360 days of the year totally makes up for it.

The only acceptable umbrella choice, if you absolutely must use one, is a small bubble style with the sharp bits pointed down. These are somewhat better than the traditional fashion. Personally I’d like to see some space helmet rain gear. No one can honestly tell me they need more protection from the elements than what an astronaut wears in outer space. If anything, rainy days would be a lot cooler looking.  And for fuck’s sake, don’t walk on the awning side of the sidewalk while you carry your portable tent. Some of us are trying to be polite here.