I’m at the end of 2016 comfortably sitting in Seattle with opportunity ahead of me. Not as much as I started the year with but I’m thrilled to still be kicking around a chance to do well here. Surrounded mostly by friends I only know a little bit about but not enough to call anyone family. I woke up today with a plan to party accompanied by a trustworthy human. Miscommunication that it was, I am apparently not granted a plus one. Instinctively, that minuses me from the party also. Not only is it far enough away I can’t get there without a ride, I don’t like the idea of attending something so exclusive all by myself.

I’m not afraid to be alone, that’s nothing new. Cultivating solitude was all I did my last year in Memphis. I’m not willing to give up hard-earned constitution at the promise of a pool party. This isn’t the fucking Midwest. I’d rather spend the evening surrounded by people honestly not caring about me than with strangers pretending to be my friend. The couple of people I do know from that shindig will be missed and might even miss me but I can see them in the new year. This Eve is about being comfortable and happy. I’m considering two or three low key options or possibly a show that I can’t afford. I’ll know where I want to be when I get there.

Reflecting on the bigger picture, 2016 is the year I started performing. It’s not a stage career by any stretch but this is when the cocoon opened and I discovered how to project myself. Like a small fire, the ideas I’m casting are proportional to the burn. Spending lots of fuel at one time creates a blaze of glory that gets noticed. If I’m lucky, one or two of the rubberneckers stop and see who’s behind the curtain. A real friend is quality payoff for the energy expenditure but those are rare. Mostly I’m another window in the endless parade of storefront personalities littering city streets. Being fabulous only gets you in the door. Having substance is much harder to maintain and I’m in it for the long game.

Most of the party scenes I’ve experienced this year function on pack mentality. If you want to be part of a crowd there has to be a vague consensus by other regulars. Patience pays off more consistently than bravado. Learning to keep my mouth shut is the other side of that coin. In Seattle I can get away with a whole lot more personality than I did in The South. I don’t think people like me more here, they’re just quieter about the dislike. Not verbally but energetically. There is less energy expended on wishing harm to someone annoying and more effort put on shutting out the negative. It creates a white noise environment of peace I never experienced in Memphis. Even nature is quieter in the PNW.