No one really knows.  Not knowing names keeps me level with everyone.  I don’t get too attached.  I’d rather know your dog’s name.  I’m more likely to like your dog.  The people I get along with are usually dog owners.  My idea of interesting conversation makes most people uncomfortable.  It’s like a rabbit hole and if you aren’t used to free-falling within a stranger’s consciousness it can be a little overwhelming at times.  But that’s when I feel the most connection, that point where most shy away.

I don’t understand rape.  I have been in the situations some people describe but not felt the same way about the situation.  Does that make me sound cold?  I’m not proud of all the things I’ve done but that doesn’t mean I was forced.  Maybe by myself.  Is the insecurity of my youth an excuse?  I’m gratified when I have sex.  Moreso than horrified, usually.  If I am this willing and still going unnoticed.  Was there something to protect in my genitals that I didn’t know about?  Of the pain inflicted in relationships the sex at least feels good.

I could be overlooking the very obvious reason no one wants me.  I’m dead inside.  Squandering all hope on the unattainable the only people finding me attractive are self destructive and/or alcoholics.  The only people I find attractive are good and stable.  I already screwed up a good person’s life.  I don’t relish doing it over again.  I have to be self-sufficient before I can make any real human connections.  I have to not fail at life first.

I remind myself daily how worthless and average I am.  I need to believe that because the other option is to think I’m special.  And I’m not.  My situation is about as unique as everyone else.  We all have challenges and we all have pain.  I know mine isn’t different.  Existing is tough and I have it relatively easy.  I don’t assume everyone around exists as much as I do.  The same way some people stop learning.