The Seattle Pride march happens this month and I don’t think I can make it. I don’t having anything to be proud of. I have the look and I have the attitude. I’m lacking any substance. Resembling a cliche doesn’t fill you with all its nougat-y goodness. The culture I discovered last month has a number of factions that would like my attention. Chomping at the bit over what method of destruction I will choose the stench of fresh meat draws the attention of most predators. The advantage I showed up with is not so easily falling sway. 

If you are lucky enough to know me, you know I’m not frivolous. For someone that lives in downtown Seattle, my monthly budget is less than some people’s daily calorie intake. I live lean on the principle that having more does not make you wealthy. I’d rather eat noodles every night in the city than regularly dine on sushi in the suburbs. I see people spend enough on a date to cover a car payment and wonder how good that night could possibly be.

I’m not proud of my lifestyle. It’s not a practical choice and I know how much relies on my very specific circumstances. Up until recently, I had full faith in my ability to succeed.  I thought I’d secured enough support to get where I need to be. I have not crossed into a state of self-sufficiency at this point. It’s frightening to think of the downhill slide I could suffer at this cliff face. I do my best to progress down the path and not look down. If I’m going to fall I don’t want to be a mess of worry until it happens.

As with all my over-reactions, this one is slightly premature. I’m not actually broke. I’m not even completely unemployed either. I have a very on-call position playing around with video games out in Redmond. That’s an hour commute.  Not an ideal solution for someone that hates driving as much as I do. So today I pounded the payment with paper resumes and determination only desperate people can appreciate. So there’s hope I’ll turn things around before I get swallowed in credit debt.  Or drive off a bridge from road rage.

The main reason I can’t go to pride isn’t really financial in nature. I’m ashamed of my relationship status. I’ve had about 4 months worth of dating time and in the first two months I broke rule number 1 – never go back. I ran across an old flame that felt so warm and comfortable I convinced myself there was no fear of a burn. I laughed and dreamed and cavorted with someone I let into my inner sanctum through the back door.  I thought, “How lucky am I?”

It didn’t occur to me that he would hurt me. I know he doesn’t want to. But there’s probably a reason our relationship didn’t last the first time. That’s why rule #1 is first. If you are willing to quit once it’s even easier the next time. It’s the converse of rule number 2 – never move in. Combing physical presence makes breaking up significantly harder. Moving in with someone before there’s a real commitment can foster a fake commitment of convenience for far too long.  I don’t want to be a paperweight, personally.

Any relationship decision dedicated to preserving personal comfort is probably a bad idea at the beginning.  The things that make us uncomfortable are where real progress is made. Compromise is something you need to keep a relationship strong but shouldn’t be too involved in the initial attraction. Having two solid individuals at the beginning is the only way to create a quality foundation. What you don’t have in common is where the continued attraction resides. The challenge is tolerating the quirks that come with the attraction.

I propelled myself across the country with brave determination. Once I got here, alone and exhausted, I was defenseless. I set out to establish myself as a person that lives in Seattle. Integrity and faking it until I make it are vital elements to my survival. By the end of May I finally accepted that no one is going to deport me back to Tennessee. Now, I’m trying to preserve the tiny identity I’ve built. I haven’t depleted all my resources but my rate of mistakes is unnerving.  It’s not about getting as much as you can with what you have. It’s about having what you want and keeping it.