I just finished a 5 minute phone call with the most compassionate robot I’ve ever met.   My life is in perpetual chaos these days. I literally can’t think more than 3 days in advance without freaking out about money and/or time. Fictional concepts like “May” and “September” have absolutely no meaning. I’m on the brink of insanity because I’ve made 3 rent payments and have yet to land a job. I’m afraid Seattle’s rejecting me like a bad kidney. I’m terrified the transplant isn’t going to take.

I keep forgetting how great I am. If enough things go right too many times in a row a sense of security develops.  Then the thing you think you’re working toward seems to take a solid form. That’s when I get stuck on unattainable standards. Idyllic paths open up before me and I’m crushed when the fairy tale doesn’t play out. I was lucky enough to get here unscathed, I can’t expect special treatment now. I’ve pretty much dealt with all my adult responsibilities but I still feel delinquent.  I’m enjoying my life far too much for this to be reality.  Everything that goes up has to eventually come down.  I hope this moment is my down.  Frankly, I need the rest.

So today I’m barely holding it together and I get a call from Massachusetts.  A female voice introduces itself as the State of WA and asks very officially if this is “Ro Chelle”.  I’m immediately sure they’ve come to collect me as my sympathetic nervous system fires a chill down my spine.  I nervously answer questions confirming my identity wondering if I can still make it back to the apartment before they repossess the cats.  The voice is saying something about my health insurance coverage and I think, “Oh god, someone else that wants money from me.”

Except that’s not the case. Amerigroup is the health insurance company WA state paired me with and they just called to check up one me. Yes or no questions, nothing more complicated than the form you might fill out prior to a doctor’s appointment. Just confirming I exist. Reminding me to go to a doctor if I don’t feel good.  Generally checking up on me.  She asked, “How would your rate how your overall health in general? Excellent, Very Good, Good, Okay…”

I didn’t let her finish because I realized right then, I’m Excellent.  Doing yoga almost every day, staying active and finding new friends around every corner – how can I complain?  I field a few more questions about medications, mental health, and tobacco before the impromptu solicitation concludes.  A stark reminder that I’m in a whole different state where effort is taken to prevent problems and help someone that is willing to help themselves.  Something I’ve pretty much never experienced.

I’ve only been living in Seattle for a month. 4 weeks. There are so many leads yet to follow before I’ll know if this city wants me. Whole areas of my life that I’ve yet to explore. Not scoring the first job I really want is daunting but am I really going to let that stop me? Shit, I’m finally in a place where responsibility for your own health is valuable. And not just to be thinner… for practical reasons too.  I haven’t even started to show them what I have to offer.  It’s imperative I stop forgetting where I am and how hard I worked to be here.  Time will sort the rest out.