I went home for New Year’s Eve. It’s only been three years and this neighborhood is the only home I know now. Especially funny because I have to move this summer.  Either find a roommate or consider a different area. I’ve always said if I can’t live downtown then I probably won’t live in Seattle. I don’t know if that will hold true or not. Given the social constructs in this tiny little city it’s unlikely I’ll find someone to live with that loves me. After going on 18 years living with my cat, it’s going to take some adjustment. I can settle for someone that’s just polite and responsible. Bonus points if we marginally like each other.

On the bright side, I did manage to get laid twice within the last couple weeks. It’s amazing what two four-day weekends can do for my social life. Both unexpected one-night-stands, my two partners couldn’t be any more different while staying pretty much the same. The first, a beautiful redhead, is disarming and polite. He never had to woo me with promises or false compliments. He tactfully made his interest known and I fell for that goofy smile. Nothing about our night hanging out felt like a game and it ended with a relaxed, affectionate encounter that left me gratified. He gave me a ride home in the morning and I knew better than to ask for a phone number because he is very pretty and successful.

The second one is a mistake I just can’t seem to learn from. A neighbor and nominal friend, he feels desperate every few months and we have a drunken, passionate encounter. I can’t help myself because he is also very pretty. Someone that won’t even sit next to me at our local bar, it’s not hard to tell he just isn’t that into me. Spending most of his nights being a guys’ guy while swiping through dating apps, I sometimes get to witness his first dates with classy, professional girls. He clearly wants to find a lasting relationship, just not with someone like me. Knowing that leaves me feeling worthless and used up.

I’m not particularly proud of either indulgence. It’s just the range of interest I’m working with. Still a fiercely sexual person, I’m doing my best to avoid impulse. I’m served better by routine and low expectations. The romantic fantasies in my head are more suited to scripts. Seattle is a city of couples. I left the South because so few people could relate to my way of seeing the world. Out here in the West people are more tolerant but there are still very few relatives available. It’s great to glorify the family you choose, I just hoped the family I chose might like me a little bit more than the family I left. Especially if I have to live with one of them.