I’m not afraid of spiders.  I’ll even say I like zebra tarantulas.  Not so much that I’d keep any as pets but seeing arachnids in general doesn’t give me the heebie-jeebies anymore. I spent a year volunteering at the Memphis Zoo and cleaned the spider tanks once a month.  Experience cured my genetic arachnophobia (on my mother’s side) and gave me valuable perspective.  In most situations I do my best to trap a spider and release it outside as a result.  Unless the little fucker’s got me cornered. 

This morning I stumbled to the bathroom for my daily 5am voiding.  It’s enough of a ritual I don’t even put on my glasses.  Just let my body go through the motions while barely opening my eyes.  Flipping on the light, I plop on my throne and try not to gain complete consciousness.  Staring ahead listlessly, I sense movement that isn’t my cat.  Just like that, the largest brown house spider I’ve ever seen is slowly creeping across the blue tile floor about 2 feet in front of me.  I swallow a high-pitched gasp, despite myself.

Please note, I’m essentially blind without my glasses on.  There’s a mass-to-proximity ratio I maintain with the insect world to avoid killing when I can.  The fact I could visually identify this creature at all means it was violating an area I call the Must-Die Zone.  As stated, I’m not actually scared of spiders so I didn’t freak out.  Keeping calm I finish the business I came there to do.  Without sudden movements, I cast about for any blunt object other than my bare foot.  Peter Benchley’s Jaws is on the window sill.  It’s only a TPB.  For this battle I was seeking a heavier arsenal but no self-respecting person keeps hardbacks next to the shitter.

When I stand to take aim the hapless victim attempts escape.  Legs so long they bump into each other, the bastard is big enough to hear the tck,tck,tck,tck,tck of individual footsteps.  There’s a comical moment as the spider moves without traction and then it skitters so fast I jump.  Moving away from me – it stops just short of the door frame. Taking aim and holding my breath, I throw the book downward.  Missing just slightly, the innocent creature attempts to dodge and chooses the wrong direction.  Three long spindly legs writhe as the dime store novel ricochets and lands on the spider.  Applying pressure to the weapon I feel and hear the tell-tale crunch of death simultaneously.  I release my breath.

My ex-husband was in town this weekend.  He met me at my apartment for a ride to the airport later that morning.  I left the body so he could dispose of it, for old time’s sake.  Seeing him this weekend has conjured up memories of what it feels like to have unconditional love in my life.  I got a chance to feel cared for and show my care in return – great weekend.  I also got laid off from my job, so I feel a little lost now that he’s gone.  The loneliness and uncertainty looms ahead of me like a dark sky.  I feel some losses like fresh wounds but also know I’m in the right place doing the right things.

Running into that spider has given me a temporary fear of spiders.  More accurately, a fear of spider-potential.  The uneasy feeling that makes you jiggle your shoes before putting them on, just in case.  It’s not actually arachnophobia and it will eventually pass but for the time being I’m afraid a long-legged, hairy, eight-eyed terror is going to climb out of every drain pipe looking to avenge his fallen brother.  I’ve accepted the irrational fear and just let myself do silly things like check under the sheets before getting into bed.  There are worse ways to deal with temporary insanity.

That’s sort of what it feels like having my ex here just long enough to get comfortable again.  Forced to remember how alone I am out here.  I very acutely feel the pain of separation that I’ve spent effort to ignore.  It’s a good kind of sore because it means the judgement I’m exercising is getting stronger.  I still have things to accomplish before I can rest.  The most important thing I learned this weekend is that he’s supporting me, even though we’re not the same.  I’ll eventually stop thinking there are spiders everywhere and hopefully find another job – I just have to get past the shock first.